Kristy 0:06

Welcome to Unstaken, the podcast where unwavering faith in its real life. I'm Christy, and together with my husband Tony, we dive into authentic conversations offering biblical insights and sharing stories that inspire resilience, especially for families navigating the unique challenges of disabilities. Join us each week as we explore faith family and the journeys that keep us grounded in Christ. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's stand firm together.

Tony 0:42

My name is Tony and I'm here with my lovely wife, Christy. Just wanted to start with a question tonight. What does it look like when we try to share from an empty cup? Does it actually work? Sharing from an empty cup, you get nothing. When we try to do everything alone, eventually that's what we all turn into. An empty cup. Even knowing that it's still hard sometimes to accept help. We talk about on this podcast all the time about how we're a family, how we're building a communion, and how we need to do this life as a community. But accepting help can be really hard. I know that for me having cerebral palsy, being as independent as I possibly can be, is so critical, like mission critical for me. Even admitting that I need help is hard. And yet, when help does actually show up, my gut instinct, even though I know I need help, my gut instinct is still to say, I'm fine, I've got it, I can do it, I'm okay. But are we really doing ourselves any service and are we really honoring God by trying to really do it on our own? Tonight, just talking about the difficulty in receiving help versus when we try to give help. It's important because I think for so many of us, myself included, Christy included, we need to get better about receiving help so that we are better equipped at giving help in the future. When we think about what it is to receive help, and scripture talks about this in a couple different places. And one of the places that I know Christy and I love to share is from um Ecclesiastes 4, and we've shared it before. It's in verse 12. One may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A quarter three strands is not quickly broken. We often talk about how for Christy and I, God is that third strand in our marriage, and I believe that we're we're honoring God that way. But how many times when it just comes to life in general, do we try on our own instead of having that second person with us? Galatians, you know, chapter six, verse two, and we carry each other's burdens, and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ, is that not incentive enough for us to receive help?

Kristy 3:43

Yeah, that's a directive.

Tony 3:45

That is very much a directive for carrying each other's burdens and for receiving help and giving help. But again, if we're trying to give out of an empty cup because we are so tired and so beat down because we haven't accepted help when it's been there, then we can't really help anybody else either. So I just wanted to to just kind of open it with that. And I know that we like to think of ourselves as the strong one, the dependable one, the the superhero, the one that can handle everything. And we're so quick to offer help. It just feels better, right? It feels better to be useful and to feel needed rather than to be the one that is needy. It's a tough place to be. Receiving help exposes us in a way that offering help just doesn't because when we receive help, there's so many things that happen that are outside of our control. I probably do this on a daily basis, and this is kind of confessional for me, but how many times does Christy offer help for so many little things that I do on a daily basis, and I say, Nope, I'm good when I'm clearly struggling. This happens a lot when I'm putting on my shoes or putting on my socks. Oh my gosh. I I mean she's watched me sweat through two different shirts, putting on my socks, and she'll say, Would you like help? No, no, no, I'm good. Meanwhile, the sweat is pouring down my face, and I'm clearly not good. It is so easy to just say, Let me know if you need anything. But it's actually so hard to admit to someone else that I actually need something from them. It's just one of those things that I think it's human. If you're finding that you're identifying with this and this isn't to beat you down, because again, I am the chief among deflection and saying, No, no, no, I'm good, I'm good, and like trying to change the subject and just to take the focus off of me. But being useful and being dependable, those are safe spaces because we control those things, we control how we help and what we do. But when we need help, we don't have a lot of control in those things.

Kristy 6:37

It's true. I think for me, Tony, when you were talking about that, like you know you need help. I sit here and tell you, like, I am tired, like I am weary, tired, carrying a lot of things. And it's not just that I'm tired, I'm tired and I'm still turning help away. That is counterintuitive, it's counterproductive. I mean, it just defies logic. So why do we do this? For me, there's I mean, there's a whole lot of pieces to this, right? I think a big piece of it is that I feel responsible. It is my responsibility to do the things. It's because I can, you know what I mean? But at what cost, right? Can you get your socks on? Yeah. At what cost? Can I do all of the things and whatever and yeah, and not sleep, you know what I mean? Like it just, I don't know, it defies logic. I think there's pride, right? I think that there's a piece of it. I want to handle this on my own. I don't want to need help. I want to know that I can just do it myself, right? That independence is something that rears its nasty head. I think that's a a big piece of it, right?

Tony 7:54

Yeah, this is a big piece for me. It's, you know, like you just said, Christy, it's that independence. It's the it's the pride of like, I should be able to do this. Like you said, I I can do it, but it doesn't mean that I can't accept help when it makes more sense to do that either.

Kristy 8:13

Right. I think there's a shame piece too. And the best example I can give you is we're finally getting settled and everything is pretty good. We've had, you know, boxes to unpack. We've had two houses worth of stuff in one little house. I mean, it's just been a really tough season in terms of, you know, getting rid of stuff and figuring out what's useful and what will fit and parting with things that we really like, but there's just not room for them. And so many times friends from work have said, hey, could you use a hand? I can come. I'm free on Saturday. I could come over. And I've been like, oh, no, no, I think we got it. I think we're good. If I'm just completely honest, the reason is because I don't want them to come and see how bad it was. Like, I don't want them to come and say, like, ooh, that girl, she's a mess. Like, you know, you know, I I just I feel something about that. And I don't think that my friends are, you know, nasty. They're not gonna go talk about me behind my back or whatever, but I just feel something, right? And I think that something is shame. I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed that I am in a position where I need help like that. I don't want to be seen that way. You know what I mean? I want to be seen as someone who has it all together at all times. And don't we all want to be seen as someone who has it all together at all times? But I think most of us don't. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be, I know other people have their own stuff going on, right? Nobody has it easy. I guess at the same time, I could be bone-tired. And if somebody needs something, you know, that I can do, somebody that I love, or even somebody, like if I can do it, I still want to do it. And I'm gonna do it with a glad heart, right? It's not begrudging or anything like that. But at the same time, I don't want to give other people that same opportunity. And I'm not trying to take anything away from anybody. I just I don't want to take them out of their own stuff, out of their own groove that they're in. You know, life is hard for everybody. The next thing I think is I think it's around control. And you and I have talked about this before. If I let you in, if I accept your help, now I don't control the outcome, right? You might not do it my way. You think it's done when I don't think it's done, or you might throw away my favorite whatever because you thought it was trash. Or, I mean, it could be anything, but it's that control thing. That's kind of scary, right? That the the need to have so much control that you shut other people out of your vulnerability that we we don't present as our authentic selves. We posture and we try to control like a narrative that it's all around like the way we present ourselves and the way that we allow other people to think of us. Like that whole control thing is really it's it's insidious.

Tony 11:19

Yeah, you said something about image, and I think that's it right there is that when we accept help and we give up that control, we no longer have control of the image that we're able to present who we actually are, who we really are, is now on display, and we have no control over how much somebody sees of that side anymore, instead of the careful, curated, meticulously crafted image that we put out there every single day.

Kristy 12:04

Yeah. I don't think that the people in our lives are in the business of you know making judgments or thinking ill of us. I mean, I just I don't think that's the case at all. But it's fear. I think there's some fear. It's irrational and unfounded fear most of the time. But yeah, I think you're right. It's around you'll see through this story that I have built, probably in part so that the world thinks that I have a polished altogether way. But I think also sometimes I think it's a line I'm trying to convince myself of. You got this, you're fine, and I don't want anybody to come and smash my illusions about myself. There are times where I don't know. Can you have you ever been in a situation, Tony, where you did let somebody help you and then they did judge you, or there was some kind of like cost around that?

Tony 12:59

You don't come to these protections because that's what I think it is. I think it's like a defense mechanism that we're all kind of in for one reason or another, and you don't come by that sort of defense out of nowhere. That defense comes because of some past hurt that is really hurtful, and I think it's happened to me many times where people that I trusted that I thought had my best interest in mind and who would tell you that they have my best interest in mind, would see my vulnerable areas and would gladly help in the moment, but then down the road, down the line, those things were held against me or used against me in some way that I had no control over, and in those cases, that's like extremely hurtful because here I am being vulnerable and showing you a weak area with the expectation that you are going to protect this and not let this hurt me, and instead you use this area to hurt me even deeper. And I think that once that happens once, twice, three times, half a dozen times, you get to a point where it's like, okay, I don't want to let anybody in anymore. It just hurts too much. I'd rather do it on my own than risk getting hurt in one of the most painful ways possible.

Kristy 14:53

I think a piece of that is if we already feel some kind of way, whether it's shame or insecurity or, you know, whatever the concern is, and we let somebody in any way, I think we were already sort of predisposed to being sensitive about that issue, that doesn't take much on the other person's part. It might be like some small inadvertent comment that they make. We have a big emotional response. If they are, you know, ugly about it and it is kind of a big thing. I think it just amplifies it. It just becomes this really because we were already sensitive. And so it becomes something that feels insurmountable at that point, you know, just because it it it already was a tender spot.

Tony 15:40

Those wounds are real. We don't want to gloss by that. So if that's where you are, we get it, we see you, and we understand. Both Chrissy and I have been there, and we've both been wounded in that way, and so we get it. I do want to say this receiving help is part of how God has designed us and designed the care that He's built around us. And we've talked a lot on this podcast, especially lately, about serving others, and we want to serve others. But when we are serving from and we are trying to pour out of a cup that's either empty, or maybe a cup that is leaking profusely, there's not much that we got left to give. So we need to make sure that we receive help because when we are receiving that help, what's happening is God has given a blessing to someone, and they're able to pour that blessing out onto us, and then from a fuller cup, if not a full cup, we then have the opportunity to then pour out a blessing onto someone else. Again, I believe that that is part of just God's design about how He wants to give us blessings that overflow. If we're the stop gap, then that blessing isn't gonna flow. We have to be in a position where where we can be poured into so that we can pour out of something much healthier than trying to just give and give and not receive anything. This is one of the reasons why, like me personally, I have such a heart for pastors and those in like leadership positions because it is so easy and dangerous to just give all the time and very rarely receive. Anytime that I work with pastors or or I'm talking with pastors, I try to be encouraging because so often they don't get that encouragement. I think that encouragement is just part of refilling the cup, if nothing else. I really do believe that when we receive help, not only does it help refill our cups so that we can help better, but I also believe that it honors those that are actually giving the help. How often do we pray and we say, God, we need help in this or with this area or with this need or with this item, and God sends us the help, but we don't take it because we're trying to do it in in our own strength. So that just becomes a uh a question that I think you know it's worth chewing on this week. Are we blocking care and are we blocking help because it doesn't look like how we expected it? Are we blocking it simply out of fear because it requires us to be seen in a way that we can't control? I really want us to key in on the fact that receiving help is not the opposite of strength. Sometimes it's the truest expression of it because now we're carrying something together versus trying to struggle with something completely on our own.

Kristy 19:27

I think of help as a gift, right? If I'm struggling with something, even if I'm not struggling with something, if I if I have something that I need to do or or take care of, and somebody is willing to help me with that, that's a gift. It's a gift of their effort, it's a gift of their time. I think all of us can think of a time like giving makes us happy, right? Giving, it's cool. There's something about being the giver, being someone who was able to, I don't know, to make somebody smile, to make somebody happy, uh to fulfill a need, to lift a burden. It feels good, right? To be a giver. And a friend of mine, I don't even remember what it was, if I'm honest with you, but she was wanting to do something for me or give something to me. And I was pushing back, no, no, I'm good. You know, I'm good. We got it. I got it. It's fine, I'm good. And she said to me, she said, don't take away my happiness. Don't take away my joy in doing this for you and giving this to you because of your stubbornness or because of your issue is gonna cost me this opportunity for joy, essentially. I don't want to do that. We don't turn those offers on their heads like that in the moment. I'm thinking about what it actually would like look like to say, yeah, I could use some help. I'm not very good at it. I think a lot of us aren't, right? I think for me, probably the place to start is just with some little tiny thing, like start small. Say yes to something, maybe something that doesn't really matter, like something where you're you don't have a lot at stake and just see how it goes. You know, if it goes well, maybe you can say yes to something, you know, something else. But it could be as simple as, hey, if we were gonna stop by, like let us bring you dinner. Okay, great. It would be great. Bring a pizza. Thank you so much. Like it's just as easy as that. And if the other person doesn't feel put upon, they made the offer. Does it really matter which side got the pizza? You know what I mean? And so maybe it's something as small as that, right? Maybe it's something that you're struggling with. And instead of, you know, when somebody's like, Are you okay? You know, you seem upset, you seem like you're having a hard time, or you know, I've noticed that you seem like you're struggling. No, no, I'm good. What if I had been brave enough to say, I am having a hard time? Maybe ask for prayer, maybe, or maybe they were volunteering for that. Maybe that's where they were going. And at the same time, I'm saying, like, no, no, I'm good. That's a no brainer, right? Maybe. Maybe it's it's as easy as how's it going? How's your day? And instead of, oh, it's great, how are you? Maybe you say, you know what, I've had a really rough morning. Thanks for asking. And then you just move on, right? But just that, I think just those little things. I think it's a micro example, right? That like, how's your day? You know, and you just tell the truth. I think that is a help, right? Somebody they asked how you were. They wanted to check in on you, just kind of help you carry that whatever it was that was making you look a little, you know, down at the mouth or whatever. Is that accepting help? I think it is. Just the opportunity to not carry it by yourself, to not be under the burden of whatever the difficulty or the sad situation is all by yourself is really helpful. I think the biggest reason I don't accept help is because I feel responsible. And if I get myself in a situation where if I've waited too long or, you know, it's too big, or I've agreed to do too much, or whatever the situation is, I put myself in that situation. And I kind of feel like I deserve to take my lumps at that point. That whole storyline has this, it's just this really familiar refrain. Like somebody else offers to take the burden and to carry the difficulties when we don't deserve it, you know, and his name is Jesus. He shows us grace, boundless grace, boundless mercy that we don't deserve. He helps, he carries, he forgives when we don't deserve it. Why in this quest to live a life that honors him, that chases after him? Why are we so stubborn about this? I think that responsibility piece, I think it's the same reason why I pray that he will help me to handle this problem and I'm gonna lay it down for the last time. I'm not gonna pick it back up again until I pick it back up again. And I think it's that responsibility piece, right? I like this is my problem. But just because it's my problem doesn't mean I should have to carry it all by myself. And whether, you know, whether it's Jesus that I'm asking for help or my next door neighbor or my husband or my mom, I think there's a lot of wisdom and value in accepting that undeserved grace or mercy and just saying, yeah, you know what, can we do it together? You know, give yourself the pass on that, give yourself a little of that grace and just take the help.

Tony 24:35

Guys, come with me here. And if you're a guy and you're listening to this, how many times has someone said to you, Hey, how are you doing? And what do we say? I'm fine. We go on and we move on and and we keep going. How many times have we said I'm fine, knowing that that's a lie? We're commanded not to lie, and yet that's the easiest thing to lie about is how are you doing? I'm fine. For me, one of the big things, and and I'm I'm saying this in a in a sort of confessional way because I I want to be held accountable for this. When we accept help and when we get help, we need to make sure that we don't immediately apologize for it. And that's something that I I struggle with that a lot. So many times Christie helps me with so many things, and immediately either while she's helping me or after it's done, whether it's getting my socks on, getting shoes on, helping me up out of a chair, whatever it is, why is my immediate response? I'm sorry, and that happens all the time, and we need to stop doing that because if we are truly going to live through God's design and live through the blessing that receiving help can be, we need not sour the blessing by apologizing for it. And I'm saying this to you as Paul would say, the chief sinner, like I am so so bad about this, and I didn't want to let this episode go without asking for prayer in this area because it is so hard to not apologize whenever someone does help.

Kristy 26:47

Needing help is human, and being human is nothing to apologize for. It's how this is how we were made, and we were made to need each other. We were made to be relational and interconnected. In the case of me, I am the helpmate. That's what I'm here for. You owe no apology for that. None of us do. What this brings us to is if receiving help is hard for you, it's not just you. You're not alone. I think it's something all of us could strive to improve. I don't think it is gonna happen. You know, it's not a snap of the fingers kind of thing, right? It's a little bit of progress. Start small, like we were talking about earlier. Just tell the truth when somebody asks how your day is. If it's fine, say it's fine. If it's been rough, say it's been rough. Uh, you know, let somebody else help you carry the weight of that, just in sharing it, just in sharing that it disperses the weight, it diffuses the stress, and we deserve that. I think that is what God has for us. Being loved and being cared for, being seen in that tender way, it's hard, right? We don't always feel worthy. We feel, we might feel ashamed, we might feel any of the things we've talked about here. Being loved that way is much harder than feeling useful, than turning it around and wanting to help somebody else. And maybe that vulnerability, maybe that tension is right where God wants to meet us. I don't think it's a maybe. I think that is exactly where God wants to meet us.

Tony 28:24

All of this is God trying to unhook us all from the performance mentality, from the fear mentality, and from the self-protection that we so easily default to.

Kristy 28:46

Yeah, and self-reliance, the whole Bible is stories about what happens when we try to be too self-reliant and we we don't accept help.

Tony 28:57

And yet, what the Bible tries to teach us over and over again is that when we follow Christ and we confess him as Lord and Savior, we are someone who is loved and loved so much that he died on a cross for us because he cared and loved so much.

Kristy 29:21

Talk about undeserved help. That was a problem we could not solve on our own.

Tony 29:28

Christy, would you uh would you pray us out?

Kristy 29:33

All right, Father God, we come before you just so grateful for the grace and the mercy that you give to us. We also come grateful for the love and the grace and the mercy that the people you put in our lives have for us. Please soften our hearts, ease our stubbornness, our pride, our shame, our self-reliance, all of the things that prevent us from accepting help. Please just soften that, take it away. Help us to trust. Help us to trust not just the person's motives and what have you, but to trust, just trust them with our secrets, with our vulnerability and our authenticity. Just please give us the courage to show up exactly as we are, to tell the truth about our day or our situation, and to share the weight of whatever the burden is that we're carrying, because we know that's what you have for us. Give us the courage to receive help and give us the discernment and the sanity to accept what comes our way because we know that it comes from you. Keep us mindful of helping others as well. Uh, we know that there needs to be balance. And just, you know, we're grateful. We're grateful for that whole, for that whole system of giving and receiving help and the relational way that you made us and just the exchange of love between us all. Even more than that, we are so thankful for your love and for the grace and mercy that you show us. Thank you for your son. Thank you for every day that you give us and for all that you do for us. And it's in your son's beautiful name that we ask all these things. Amen.

Tony 31:19

Amen. Thank you guys so much. Hope you guys have a great day and a great rest of your week. And we'll see you next time. Bye, friends.