Kristy 0:06

Welcome to Unshaken, the podcast where unwavering faith meets real life. I'm Christy, and together with my husband Tony, we dive into authentic conversations, offering biblical insights and sharing stories that inspire resilience, especially for families navigating the unique challenges of disabilities. Join us each week as we explore faith, family, and the journeys that keep us grounded in Christ. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's stand firm together. Hi friends. Welcome to another episode of Unshaken. This is Christy, and I'm here with Tony, my sweet hubby. And uh we are coming off the Easter week. So last weekend was Easter itself. We hope that you had a beautiful holiday with your family, with people that you love. We had our youngest kiddo home. We attended church at the church where my kids grew up. And it was just kind of neat being back there and seeing some of the traditions that we had when they were little. And like I said, we had our little our little one, our little one is gonna be 19 here in a couple of months, but we had her home with us. Something I want to talk about this week came up while she was here. Obviously, we're thrilled anytime she comes home. She doesn't live far, just over an hour. But to have her home for an extended time is just, it's such a gift these days. My mom heart was just so happy. We just had this great connective close time. We're just hanging around and like we'd be talking, but every time I would look up, she's on her phone. For me, like I'm thinking, like, gosh, kid, like you're not, you're not home that much. Can you just please give us your attention while you're here? And at the same time, I'm thinking, this kid has a whole life, a whole set of circumstances and people and and things to do and and typical routines that really just don't include us anymore. While she's here with us, she's left them. It really got me thinking about screens, about phones, about video games, about the things that take our kids away from us. And I think what I've come to is that I don't think we're actually upset about the screens as parents. I think that we're scared. I think that we're afraid we're losing something and we don't know how to get it back. I don't think it's about the phone or the iPad or the the TV with the video game. I don't think it's about that at all. I think it's about like their presence. I think it's about that feeling that your kiddo is right there, but at the same time, they're not really right there. You can see them, you can talk to them, but you just don't feel connected because they're connected somewhere else. Tony, what do you like, how do you feel about this?

Tony 2:58

There's a real emotional feel uh about this, because that's what happens whenever you talk about fear. But I want to just name really quickly, like, this is not about trying to legislate screen time. If you allow unlimited screen time, shame on you, or if you totally ban screen time, shame on you. That's not what this is about. This is about thinking about how we as parents are going to continue to have a strong connection and a strong relationship with our kids as we move through this digital age where screens are a part of all of our lives, not just our kids.

Kristy 3:49

Tony, I think you have some good points there. And for me, I think what I feel is like a sense of competition. Mom isn't the primary thing anymore. There's there's a virtual world that's attached to real people that aren't me. It's tough. I think all of us have different reactions, different feelings to it, but I think for most of us, I think it's based in that sense of fear and competition. And you're right, it's not about judging anybody, whether you're a, you know, you're an all in on screens or you know, no screens allowed. You're right. It's it's about that relationship piece. In terms of scripture, what I came with is from Deuteronomy 6 these commandments are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children, talk about them when you sit at home. And this was always meant, I think, to happen in those everyday moments. And right now, this tension that I'm talking about that's making me like, it's making my voice feel weird and my heart is kind of beating fast, that tension that's showing up now, I think, is also in those ordinary, everyday parts of life. When parents say, oh, they're always on their phone, oh, they're always hooked to the computer, oh, they're always playing that game. I think what they mean is something deeper. I think it feels like distance. Tony, I mean, what do you think parents are actually afraid of here?

Tony 5:14

There's so much that is going to compete for all of our attention, what whether it's screens, whether it's outside interests or or hobbies or events. There's things that are gonna compete for our time no matter what. And time is one of those things that is finite. You know, time is we can't manufacture more time. You know, we all have the same amount of time in any given day. When you have more things that that are competing for for that time, it can be tough when you're looking to have a connection with your kids or even with your spouse. It can be tough when you're trying to have a connection with friends, family, whatever, because we only have so much time that's given to us in in any particular moment. But I wanted to go back also to the scripture because it talks about how we are to talk about this when we sit at home, and the meaning behind that is is just talking about it in our ordinary daily lives, and this doesn't mean that every single day there has to be a Bible s study or something like that. It's just the intentionality of of just understanding where we are and making sure that that we're modeling for our kids that scripture's important and that our relationship with God is important. And we're not always gonna be perfect with this. You know, I'm certainly not perfect with this. It's not about perfection, it's about modeling what we would hopefully like to see in our kids as they grow up and as they get out on their own.

Kristy 7:04

I'm with you. I uh I'm completely with you there. I think there's a piece around talking about the rules essentially with our kids or talking about the commandments on a daily basis in our everyday life. I think that's around connection. I feel like most of the time when God gives us something and and you know makes it a command, I mean, yes, it's what he wants, but I think a lot of the time part of why he wants it for us is for the benefit it gives us. And I think that everyday consistency, that connection that comes with those everyday connection points, the continual connection points, that's how faith is formed. That's how like steady relationships are built, that's how love is reinforced. At the same time, in my heart, I'm warring right between did we raise our kids upright? Did we give them that consistency, that daily whatever, so that their faith is strong and the relationships are strong. And this screen thing is just a diversion and they're gonna outgrow it and they're gonna come back to us and everything's gonna be fine. Or is this how we lose that? I don't know. When they were little, I don't feel like we had so much of this. But I think that also comes with the age that our kids are, right? Little kids now, they I mean they do have phones, and I feel like it's for a good reason in a lot of cases, it's a safety thing. If a kiddo is gonna walk home from the bus stop, mom needs to know when the kid gets off the bus and when the kid walks in the house, you know? If we are mindful, though, of the fear that's under the frustration, whatever the fear is. Parents say they're always on their phone, right? My kid's always on our phone. But underneath that, I think what we're saying is, are we losing that connection? Is this kid becoming someone that I can't connect with anymore, that I can't reach? Am I missing my window? Are they slipping away from me? I don't think it's necessarily a device issue, it's a distance issue. Of our three, our oldest by far was the biggest phone kid, just in terms of, you know, and still is, I think, in terms of like Instagram and whatever, but that kid is super extroverted and very connected to a lot of people. Our middle kid is a video game kid. The kids are home, the kids are playing, and you and I are talking about like, should we go in there? Should should we hang out? Are we cool? You know, will they quit if we go in there and try to play? Are they gonna quit? Again, it's I think it's yearning for that connection, but also being so happy that our kids are home and safe and you know, doing something relatively harmless. And, you know, uh, what are your thoughts around that?

Tony 9:47

I grew up playing video games as as well. And as you grow up and you get into adult life, you have less time. The consoles that that I had as I grew up into like late teens and and early adults, like they just ended up collecting more and more dust until I I got rid of them just because I wasn't using them anymore.

Kristy 10:10

Yeah.

Tony 10:10

But I've found that especially with our middle baby, like I loved being able to to jump in there and and understand so many of the of the games that were being played, and even sometimes I joined in on like if it was Mario Kart, we went and played together and we had a great time. And and honestly, there were so many times where it was a game that had some kind of social story. There were moments where I was able to say, think about this from this perspective, had very micro like gospel moments because I was able to relate on a level that didn't disrupt the game. I said, Hey, how does this relate to how we actually live versus what the game is portraying? I tried to use that video game time as just little opportunities to stay connected. So rather than fight the video game or or fight the video game time, I kind of looked at it as well, if this is where my kids is gonna spend their time, then I'm gonna bring Jesus to that time, whatever way I could. Not in a hellfire and brimstone kind of way, or or not in a you know Bible study kind of way, but in just those small moments where I could just relate it to this and help them see that this actually does have an application if we think about it in it in the right way. I really did try to just meet our kid where they were.

Kristy 11:58

So you're turning this whole thing on its head for me because now I'm thinking either I just was a nerdy little kid, which I think is a foregone conclusion, or maybe it's an age thing. I don't know. I only had an Atari growing up. Like that's all we had. When I was old enough to babysit, the kids were playing Nintendo's, and I had never had that. I didn't know how to play, and I still don't know how to play. Like I don't know how to use those controllers. I like it's completely foreign to me. I think for you, where there's a connect in a connection point there, for me, it's even further separation because I can sit there and watch them play, which is a whole lot of not fun, to sit in the fun, but not to but not have it. Or I can go do something else. That's so interesting. Is it because I'm old or is it because I'm nerdy?

Tony 12:51

No, I that's the interesting part for me because sitting there, even if I'm not playing, but sitting there and watching the game was enjoyable for me. But it was enjoyable for me because of the type of game that was being played. If you're talking about playing, say, Tetris, that's not gonna be fun for me to watch because there's really nothing going on. You it's the same thing over and over again. But at the same time, if if I'm watching my kid play Zelda, some kind of game where they get to explore a world that's been created. Obviously, there are main objectives, but then there's also a bunch of side side objectives that enhance the story or add to the story. For me, I enjoyed watching that. I enjoyed watching the progress that was made, and it almost became like watching a movie or watching a TV show that I didn't know what was going to happen next because they had to progress through the game to figure out what the next part of the story was, where you didn't find that so much enjoyable. I actually did because I remember being there. I remember being in those shoes and and playing the old Zelda on the old Nintendo and understanding the the feeling of accomplishment, the elation when you did progress and you did learn more about the story. So I was able to kind of share that and and share that achievement almost as they were playing, you know, various games like that.

Kristy 14:39

Interesting. For me, it everything happened so fast, and because I don't know, I don't know the story, or like I just I couldn't even follow it. Which I guess leads to kind of the next point, right? That I think screens are not everything, they're not ruining everything, but also they're not neutral. I think there is a loss that comes with that.

Tony 15:00

Like anything else, there needs to be a balance in how we treat our screens. I think there needs to be a balance of okay, we're at the dinner table and we're eating dinner as a family, let's put the screens away and just enjoy dinner as a family, because it's rare for us to all be at the table at the same time. When there are those unique circumstances, yeah, let's put the screens away. I remember going to a baseball game. It was the first baseball game that I was able to take my kid to. I remember buying them a glove and and because of where we were sitting, I said, Look, you cannot be on your phone. I said, The ball comes too fast, and if you're on your phone, you could get hurt. We were very close to the field, we were on a foul line, and I said, just watch them practice, because we got there before the game started, and I said, watch them take batting practice and watch what happens when they don't hit the ball square, watch where the ball goes. They were able to see how weird direction the ball went when it wasn't hit squarely. I said, now they're just like getting warmed up, so they're not even swinging really hard, they're just kind of loosening up their arms and their muscles, and so you know, it's casual. They're not this is not the game yet. In the game, they're gonna be swinging with everything that they've got. And you're gonna see a ball go into the stands that somebody's not ready for, and it's not gonna be good. Being able to help them understand that sometimes there is a safety issue to some of this. Are screens completely bad? No, I don't think screens are completely bad. I think if we can have balance, we're all gonna be better off in the long run.

Kristy 16:57

I don't disagree about the balance piece. I think that every minute our kids are spending somewhere is shaping them somehow. There's some influence. I guess I just want that influence to be more us and less the world, less the friends, less the dopamine hit from whatever game or or whatever. I don't think it's super realistic. And I don't know if that's even preparing them well for the world, right? I think there is some value, not without a cost. And I guess that's where the balance piece comes in that you're talking about. Like they do need to know how the world works while they're still connected to their mom.

Tony 17:35

Like or dad.

Kristy 17:37

Or their dad. All of this speaks to like the culture of the family and the home that this is happening in, right? I think maybe it's a situation where, especially when they're little, maybe like parents are wiped out. You know, you work all day, you a lot of people are are going to school and you know, taking care of a house, or maybe it's a single parent situation. Or I mean, who knows why all of us are so tired when we come home from work at the end of the day. And maybe that's the genesis of a little more screen time than I think before our kids were born, you know, I was all about like, oh, my kids won't use screens, whatever. And then my kids are born, and I'm like, why don't you watch some rolly polioli and give me just a minute, you know? I don't know if it's exhaustion, if it's if just kind of a disconnect thing. I guess the question is for us and for anybody else, what does your home feel like sitting around in the evening?

Tony 18:33

The culture of our home is gonna dictate a lot of what goes on. If the culture is we're gonna do things as a family and we've established that sort of culture from the beginning, then I think it's easier to say, okay, this is the evening, you know, everybody's home, so we're gonna do things together. You know, whether that be uh family game night, like we're gonna do something as a family. Maybe it's we're gonna all go to the park together, maybe we're we're all gonna watch a movie together, you know, or something, you know, but we're doing it as a family. But at the same time, the culture in the family that's our next door neighbor might be completely different. You know, maybe there is a single parent that is just trying to manage the screen provides that buffer of I can sit down and pay a bill or I can make dinner while this iPad or you know, this tablet or whatever's on the TV is entertaining my kid. But ultimately, I think it comes down to when we do have our kids' attention, are we being intentional about talking about what they should be learning what should be a priority in their lives? What should the ideal be when there's an opportunity for that to happen? Are we talking about scripture as we can? I'm not saying that it has to happen every day or whatever, but as we can. Are we being intentional about talking about scripture? Are we being intentional about understanding the environment around us? If we're wanting to make sure that our kids are aware of their environments, are we talking about it? Are we talking about, you know, look at that flower, look at, you know, look at the birds, look at, you know, are are we being intentional about pointing things out so that so that they do look somewhere else besides the screen?

Kristy 20:46

Right.

Tony 20:47

And I think that's important to just rather than just say screens are bad, screens are bad, let's just be intentional about what we want our kids to learn and know as they're growing up.

Kristy 21:00

I think so much of school. So our kids are not with us if they're at school. So many schools are using e-textbooks, or they've gamified math facts, or they've gamified early reading stuff, they've gamified science. But like I think that happens outside of us, you know what I mean? So it's not like we even could prevent a you know, a screen type situation if we wanted to. And I think you're right. I mean, we are at at home, you know, we are the king and queen. We, you know, we are the parents, we are the leaders, and we can dictate some screen free time if if we choose to. But I but I think you're right. I think your point about just really being intentional about what we do, the way we model life and living. I mean, we are on our phones too. If we go to dinner as a family and we're on our phones, how dare we expect that they won't be? But if we're talking about our day and for us, It's it's always, you know, was the best thing that happened today, the worst thing that happened today, and who do you eat lunch with? Those are those are my standard questions for the kids and even for Tony. So if we're having that conversation, I think we're directing their attention a different way and commanding their attention because we are intentional about that engagement. I think you made a really good point there.

Tony 22:22

It's important that we don't panic as parents. Given the fact that screens are out there, they're in our schools, they're in our education systems. There's going to be screens everywhere. But that doesn't mean that we are out of options and we just have to, you know, tap out. There are very simple things that we can do to take back some of that time. Again, comes back to being intentional about those kind of things. Maybe it's like during meals, no tech. Maybe it's okay, it's bedtime. Don't charge your phones in your bedroom.

Kristy 23:02

Yeah, charging station is in the kitchen for everybody.

Tony 23:04

And so everybody puts their phones on on the charging station, and in the morning you get up and you know, on your way out the door is when you grab your phone. Not during breakfast, but on your way out the door. So this way, the morning is tech free, the breakfast meal is tech-free. It's just when you are starting your day that the technology is is there for when you need it. Again, there are just little things that can be done that don't have to be overwhelming, and it and again, it doesn't have to be perfect. There are little things that that we can do to just carve out time that doesn't necessarily have to be screen time 24-7.

Kristy 23:50

I think um what you just said is a really, really important point. It's about time, right? It's it's not about there will be no screens. Like we're not trying to be like the meanest mom and dad in the world. This is about protecting our family time. Or this is like, I miss you, kid. I haven't seen you, you know, I haven't seen you all day. Like, how was how was your day? How you know, how are you feeling? What happened? How's your homework? I think essentially saying, like, I want more of you, not I'm not asking for less of your phone. I'm asking for more of you. So, however, we can leverage that, I feel like that's really what it's about for me. Like, I miss you. You know, I miss you, my baby.

Tony 24:33

Um when you truly think about what it is to be faithful as a Christian in this age, and some people call it a digital age, some people call it a distracted age, whatever you want to call it. At the end of the day, it's about discipleship. And discipleship is just how we model what it is to live faithful, not perfect, but faithful lives in the midst of endless screens. There are ways to do that. Having a physical Bible instead of always relying on a Bible app on your phone, writing stuff down in an actual journal instead of keeping everything in a notes app, or it may be just instead of watching a service online, maybe it's actually going to the building, participating in the actual service as it happens. There are so many different ways to do this, but we as parents and as caregivers and as the people that ultimately have that influence in our kids' lives, we have to be willing to model that. And sometimes that means guess what? We have to be off of our phones more than we want to. Because as much as we want to like point to our kids and say, Oh, our kids are addicted, or our kids spend too much time on run on our phones, the reality is that as adults, sometimes we spend too much time on our We do.

Kristy 26:15

We do. For social, for games, for work. I mean, for me, that's an Achilles heel. Uh I think because it is on my phone, it's it's just a text. It's one text from a student, it's one text from a teacher. I'm just gonna handle this one thing, just this one email. And before I know it, I've spent 15 minutes here and another, you know, 10, 15 minutes there and whatever. And across an evening, my just this one, just this one, it does add up. And I am really guilty of that.

Tony 26:50

There are things that we have to be able to check our own hearts and our own minds. Jesus himself said, take the plank out of your own eye before you try to pluck the splinter out of your brother's eye. There's real truth in that. We need to check ourselves before we go to our kids wagging our fingers. One thing I did want to mention that hopefully we can turn into another episode down the road is that there are a lot of benefits to technology, especially when it comes to people that have disabilities, life-saving and life-giving things that happen because of screens when you're dealing with and when you're living with a disability. So a much bigger conversation for a whole nother episode, but I didn't want to like leave this episode without at least mentioning that and acknowledging that because that is a real thing that is extremely important to this conversation because screens are not just a bad thing. There are a lot of good and a lot of good benefits from those same screens.

Kristy 28:08

Yeah, I think there can be. This isn't about necessarily creating a bunch of rules and and making any sort of impact that way. I think it's more um just trying to raise kids who are aware of what's going on around them, you know, aware of when it's appropriate and when it's not, you know, to use tech. In the case where maybe the the tide has shifted a little farther toward our face and our phone, whether it's the adults or the kids in the house, we don't have to just, you know, concede, you know, okay, well, we lose. Like I think just steadily, you know, with conversations, with connective moments, and with I think awareness of why, right? It's, you know, you're not in trouble. I I'm not upset that you're on your phone. I just would really love to have this time with you. And I think if we can just keep bringing it back to that for our kids, I feel like like that's where the win is, right? It's that's how we win them back, is by letting them know why why it matters. Because it's really not about the screen most of the time.

Tony 29:15

Part of that too is is when we are willing to sit down, look them in the eye, and hear all of their words.

unknown 29:24

Yes.

Tony 29:25

Tell just tell me everything. Tell me about your day. Our baby, our little one, got back from a conference and they walked in, and the first thing I said was, tell me about it. I want to hear all about it. Just engaging with something that I knew was important to them, that they had just experienced, and not skipping to just give me one sentence summary. No, no, no. Give me all of it.

Kristy 29:52

Yeah, tell us. And and I'll tell you what, that I mean, it happened. We talked about that conference for I'm gonna say we talked for a solid two hours, just play by play by play. And there's so much value in that. Like to me, like I I don't want to open up this whole can of worms or whatever, but it's akin to a life group, right? Like, we want to know because we want to do life with you. We want to share your experiences, we want to be alongside you, we want to be able to support you through the hard things and to rejoice in the happy, cool, fun things and the things that you learned. And I mean, really, that's what it's about. It's about doing life together. Um, it was a great example because that's exactly what happened. Like the kid walked us through literally every every meal. We had Chick-fil-A, and then we the next time we had uh five guys, and you know, I mean, um, you know, uh everything, all the the sessions and you know, what everybody learned and how they met kids from all over the the nation and the world. I mean, just so cool.

Tony 30:59

And we were here for every single word of it. I loved it. I know Christine loved it. And Christy, you I think you hit the nail on the head. It's it's about doing a life together and being able to show that and model that for our kids to say, this is not about keeping you off of your phone, this is about doing a life with you because I care enough about you and your life and the things that interest you that I want to be a part of it.

Kristy 31:34

Yeah, I completely agree. Father, we come before you today so grateful for technology and all the things that it can do for us, and also so grateful for our families, for for our kids, for the the people who share our homes and our lives, and the beauty of being connected with them and doing life together in either walk. There are ways to connect with you. Um, and really um with you as our guide, I don't think it much matters what the path looks like, because um, in following you, that's where the the win is, and that's how we bring glory to you and and how we um how we expand your kingdom and how we love each other uh to the to the very best of our ability. Please be with us um in the the days and weeks to come. And we're trying to make changes in our homes. Please guide that and just give us discernment and and um you know bless it with your mighty hand. Um thank you for the the families and the people around us and for your presence with us at all times. We ask all of this in Jesus' beautiful name. Amen.

Tony 32:42

Amen. Thank you so much, guys. Hope you guys have a great day and a great rest of your week, and we'll see you next time.

Kristy 32:49

Bye, friends. We love you.