Kristy 0:06

Welcome to Unshaken, the podcast where unwavering faith meets real life. I'm Kristy, and together with my husband Tony, we dive into authentic conversations, offering biblical insights and sharing stories that inspire resilience, especially for families navigating the unique challenges of disabilities. Join us each week as we explore faith, family, and the journeys that keep us grounded in Christ. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's stand firm together.

Tony 0:39

Welcome to another episode of Unshaken. My name is Tony. I'm here with my lovely wife Kristy. We're so thankful that you guys joined us today. Man, Kristy, the calendar is just flying by. So for this episode, this episode is gonna be early May, and my gosh, that means summer's coming. For a lot of people, summer is a is a great time. It's it's a break from everything, but I know for a lot of our families, it may not always feel that way. I know for some families it may sound like relief, but oftentimes it doesn't feel that way, sometimes at home. Whenever summer comes, there's more people at home, there's more noise, there's more decisions, and unfortunately there's a lot less structure.

Kristy 1:27

Yeah. It's busier for sure, but not just busier. It's I think it's different in general with that loss of structure that you mentioned, and really just the changes. Like things get kind of relaxed, we dress differently, we, you know, we do different things, we might go on vacation. There's lots of moving pieces in the summer. And sometimes there is emotional weight that goes along with that, I think, for both the kiddos who are adapting and for their parents who are trying to patchwork a plan together to get through the summer. In families where there's already some stuff going on where there's a disability or, you know, a difficult situation. I think it just adds, you know, fuel to that fire.

Tony 2:10

There's a lot of different reasons why it feels harder than expected. The school provides a lot of scaffolding for our families because of the structure, because of the routines, the transitions, and the expectations, they're already built in. And you learn that over the course of of a 10 month period in in most cases, you know, because most of our schools go ten months before that summer break. And we look at summer, sometimes there can be a a guilt because while so many are celebrating the summer, some of our families are dreading it. If you're in that space, there's no shame here. There's a lot of different things, a lot of moving parts that have to be accounted for. And so obviously when that scaffolding and and the routines and the transitions and all the expectations that we've gotten used to over the last 10 months, when all that disappears, things naturally tend to get harder.

Kristy 3:14

Yes, I think for any family, uh for you know, for any family that's got kiddos in the house, if this is going to be the case, I think particularly if those kiddos are neurodiverse, it doesn't make things just more complicated. It can feel like destabilizing. It just changes really their fulcrum point on life. I think kids, especially neurodiverse kids, but all kids really thrive on predictability. They like to know what's going to happen next, what's going to happen to me next. How long is this going to last? And they just like to have some piece of control over their environment, over their circumstances. I think when they lose that predictability, it can bring anxiety. I mean, anxiety itself can bring dysregulation. It can be, you know, emotional, physical dysregulation. Like it changes everything. Sometimes conflict, sometimes when our kids don't know what to expect, they tend to get a little contrary. Because again, I think it's a lack of control over their their own circumstances. And so when they lose the handholds that they've had and they've gotten used to, I mean, it's really scary, you know?

Tony 4:23

This is an important place to name this to because when all of this starts to disappear, when the predictability disappears, what gets exposed is how much we have come to rely on that structure and that predictability as a main support. When there is struggle over the summer, it doesn't mean that the the home is broken or that there's failure. It just means that there's a really important support that's not there in this moment that we're in right now.

Kristy 5:00

Their entire environment changed. And this isn't to say that everything is difficult for every family. I know, you know, there's a lot of cool things that happen in the summer. We travel with our families, we, you know, get time to rest that we don't have during the school year. I mean, there's a lot of cool things that happen for some kiddos. There's, you know, sports camps or band camps, or I mean, for me it was always basketball camp, or for our own kiddos, it was art camp or YMCA camp. You know, there's all kinds of stuff that goes on. But I think it's worth saying that those camps and programs aren't always accessible for kiddos that have disabilities. The first thing I would suggest to you, like in this moment, like right before school gets out, maybe just check around. You know, last year something didn't exist. Make the phone calls, you know what I mean? If something happened, if something got put together this year, it makes sense that it maybe hasn't gotten a ton of traction yet or a ton of marketing or visibility. So it might be worth the call to just ask, you know, is there something in place for kiddos who have a physical disability or for kids who are neurodiverse or for, you know, for any situation, whatever your situation is. Just as an idea, if the answer is no, maybe while you're on the phone, plant that seed for next summer. Hey, are you thinking about putting something together? Because my kiddo could have used this. You know, I know a bunch of families that have kids that could have used this. Maybe just plant those seeds.

Tony 6:26

And I want to give a little shout out to just FCA. The all abilities space is new, and you know, there are a lot of things that are coming up, and summer is FCA's primetime camp season. Maybe last year all abilities wasn't a big thing in your area, but if you know the FCA reps in your area, and if you're not sure, just Google FCA and and the name of your city or uh just area and just check with them and just see if there's something out there, because there might be with a great organization that does this kind of thing well. All of this to say that with all of these things that are possibilities, if it is a possibility, it's still a lot to manage, and there's still a lot to bring in.

Kristy 7:17

Like we said, there a lot of times these these things aren't an option for kiddos with disabilities. But let's say they are, because you know, like Tony said, there are some some good ones. I also want to give a shout out for there's a lot of churches who have uh VBS for kids with disabilities, and that's it might only be a week. It's a lot of times a cool thing. There's there are things popping up. So, I mean, so let's say that that it there is an option for your kiddo. The thing that I would that I would encourage you to keep in mind is that even though it's gonna be awesome and they're gonna have an amazing time, and it and it does provide that same structure that they've been used to, it's still a transition. It's still adaptation, I guess you could say. They were at school, they had their structure, school ended, potentially there were some, you know, some days between school and whatever program we're talking about. Now they're in a new place, they've got, you know, new quote unquote teachers. A lot of times those things are manned largely by teenage volunteers. Super fun, super high energy, you know, but not always the real life experience that our kids are are used to having adults that have that. They adapt, things start to be fun, we're six, eight weeks in, and then it's wrapping up. And now we're gonna make another adjustment to go back to school and change our bedtime back and all of those things. And then school starts and we're gonna adapt again. So just be mindful that all of those transitions they kind of stack up on our kids. You know, it's tough. It can be exhausting, it can bring frustration, you know, again, dysregulation. Even your standard neurotypical kiddos can struggle with that kind of thing. And I think when you bring in a disability, it just sort of compounds that. So cut them some slack, cut yourself some slack. It's exhausting. Summer, we think of it as restful, but in reality, we try to put so many of the fun things into summer. It can be exhausting. So be mindful of that, take care of each other, lean in, and just know that it isn't just summer being messy. Like there really is some cumulative strain stacking up in some of those situations. So just be gentle.

Tony 9:24

This isn't about doing it perfectly. This is about doing the best you can as a family. Life is just gonna happen as you move through the summer. There may be a VBS that's a great week and it works well, but like Kristy said, VBS is just one one week. You may have a a summer that's got eight weeks before school starts again. Having that just mindset that it's it's not always gonna be be perfect. Sometimes it's gonna be a little bumpy, and that's okay. You guys will will get through it, your family will get through it. The main thing is is just to you as mom and dad, as you are navigating this, give yourselves grace as well.

Kristy 10:06

Yeah. I I guess I would say that we're not I mean, summer doesn't have to be perfect, right? It just has to be livable. We have to get through it, you have to enjoy it to the best of our ability, you know, and know that that school year reset is coming. And while we have the opportunity, we need to to take those chances to do the fun things and um and also know that some of those fun things, you know, they come with a price tag. And and that might be frustration, exhaustion, you know, just those kinds of things that come with a new environment. For me, I I guess what I would say is that the ideal thing would be if our kids could just go to school year round, right? That consistency is just, I mean, it's just a good thing. My own, you know, you guys know that I work at a school where all my kids are are neurodiverse, significant sensory and motor differences. And we do go year round. My kids never get, as deemed by the school, my kids never get more than two consecutive weeks off. You know, sometimes their parents will, you know, they'll go out of town or they'll travel or, you know, illness, whatever. But like barring those kinds of things, they get two weeks off at the, you know, the winter holidays at Christmas time. They get two weeks off that that's coming up. So uh where you guys are getting out of school here in the next, you know, two, three weeks. My kids are gonna go till the end of July, and then they take two weeks off. Uh, my team and I take one week off, and then we reset the school and we start again. So there's never that extended time. You know, I think we've all talked about like that summer slide or heard about it, you know, kids' reading levels just, you know, tend to slide a little bit, or you know, there's always kind of that recalibration academically when we go back to school. But I think for kids with disabilities, there's a regulation piece also. Um, and so yeah, I mean, is it ideal? Yeah. Is it reality for most people? No. I mean, we don't get to vote on what the school district, you know, deems as the school year. And that's, you know, that's the model that that our nation largely embraces. So what can we do? Like, once once we've we've got this reality, how do we support our homes and our families and our kids with this situation? A lot of parents work, kids are losing that structure. Like, what can we do?

Tony 12:20

I want to go back to to scripture honestly, because I believe that we have to ground ourselves. The scripture I want to bring us to is in Colossians. It's Colossians 3, it's verses 12 through 14. It says, put on then as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another, and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all else, put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. So does summer look perfect? No, it doesn't. But we can have patience with each other, we can show each other kindness, we can show each other compassion, we can understand that because it is summer and because it is not the predictable routine that we've had for so long, we can have that extra bit of patience in those tough moments. We can understand that you know what, it may not look perfect, it may not look nice and neat, but we love each other and we're still a family. Absolutely. That's the biggest thing. So what so what does it look like? It looks like a family doing a life together. And that's not always gonna be pretty, but we're gonna figure it out together and we're gonna do it together.

Kristy 13:47

Absolutely. So I think there's different setups, right? For me, like up until I worked in education, I didn't have a ton of flexibility in the summer I worked, you know, and so I know what it is to try to cover those days, whether it's if it if it might be camp, it might be programs, that kind of thing. It might be a nanny, it might be, you know, a teenager that comes and hangs out during the day with your kiddos. You know, a lot of people are working remotely now and still I hear about a lot of like mother's helper type situations where there's maybe a you know a teenager in the house just kind of providing some support and activities for those kiddos. There's any number of ways that this thing can look. Maybe you are a a stay-at-home parent, uh, maybe your kids are homeschooled and it all becomes irrelevant.

Tony 14:33

This could also be something where like if you reach out to your church, maybe there's a senior adult that has some time that can help. Maybe there's crafts or or you know, maybe there's a puzzle or or something just to provide another pair of hands to just have as supports.

Kristy 14:52

Whatever your staffing is, whether it's your yourself, you know, an elder like Tony suggests, maybe a grandparent, a teenager, a neighbor, like whatever, whatever your situation is, probably the best thing that we can do is to put together some sort of loose schedule for the summer. And I think it's really important to do that early and to do it with your kids, because their buy-in is gonna matter so, so much. If you are a stay at home parent or you have some flexibility in your days, maybe you schedule out your weeks and you know, maybe Mondays we do this, or Mondays and Thursdays we do this, or we go to the library on Tuesday mornings, or whatever that might be. If you're a family where both parents are out of the home working, maybe it's you're setting up activities for somebody else, but still you want to build in some things, evenings, weekends, we're all tired. I, you know, I get it. But for your kids, you know, it it's been a long day for them too. And they're just looking for a little piece of you. And so as you're able to put together some kind of loose schedule, you know, one or two sort of significant, like anchor type activities across the week, you know, might be good. I would encourage you to have some sort of daily sort of bridge activity, bridge to the next year. Maybe we're all gonna spend 30 minutes reading at some point in the afternoon, or we do flashcards, you know, as an activity, you know, a couple times a day, or we're gonna do worksheets, whatever. Something. It doesn't have to be intense. It doesn't have to be a ton. It's not school. Something to keep them connected with those skills is gonna be a good thing. Something that we always did when my kids were little and we did it with them because we did it when I was little. We had a jar. In that jar, we made a list, like as a family, we made a list of possible activities, and some of them were fun. Some of them were, you know, play a game or go get ice cream or uh have a watermelon seed spitting contest. There was like any number of like silly fun things that we did. I remember there was a time when we had like flats and flats of strawberries in the house. And one of the things that went in the jar was cut up strawberries. Like, um, you know, it might be write a letter to somebody out of town, or it might be clean your room, might be help mom plan out dinner. It could be, I mean, it could be anything. Might be fun, might be a chore, might be some sort of constructive thing to do together. But the idea of just pulling something randomly out of a jar and knowing that like we're gonna get what we get and not throw fit, that's a thing. Maybe you make the plan that if you don't like one, you can choose a second time and that's it, you know, whatever your rules are in your family. But just so that there's something where you're not having to just pull it out of thin air, I think is gonna help you. I would also recommend some sort of project or like a longer term thing. Maybe you're going to make a garden this summer, plant flowers or plant fruit, or you know, whatever it is you're gonna do, and look at how you can do that over six, eight weeks, you know, and how that will come together across time. Or maybe you're gonna learn a skill. Maybe, you know, maybe your kiddos are older and you're gonna learn calligraphy, or you're gonna learn to skateboard, or if maybe you've got a little peanut, you're gonna learn to ride a bike. But something that's gonna matter to them, like something that when they're older, they're gonna look back on this particular summer and be like, yeah, that's the summer that my dad and I made a garden, or that's the summer I learned to ride my bike, or you know, whatever it is. I think above all, just expect that things are gonna go wonky sometimes and just plan to be flexible. You just never know. It could be uh, we missed our nap time because we were doing something fun and now we're melting down. It could be somebody's not feeling well or somebody's just having a rough day. Like who knows? Any number of things. Plan that in and have that conversation up front with your kids that yes, we're making a plan, yes, we're making a schedule, but we have to know that some things might change and we're all gonna be okay with that.

Tony 18:53

The main point of of all this, because there's a lot of ideas that that Kristy and I can throw at you. So, number one, don't get overwhelmed by all the ideas. A few rhythms or a few things go a long way to reducing a lot of the friction that can happen over the summer if there's no structure. It's not about planning the perfect summer or jam-packing your your summer with not a moment to spare. It's about creating something for your family that is going to be livable. And that's gonna look different for each and every family out there. So what works for you may not work for your neighbor, and what works for your neighbor, you know, may not work for the guy down the street. So it's about understanding that let's plan some things and let's put some things in place so that there is structure, but let's call it loose structure. So that this way when something happens, because we know life happens, we're easily able to pivot so that we we're not like feeling guilty or feeling shame or getting even more exhausted because we couldn't keep all of the different plans because we tried to overschedule. This is about making sure that the summer is a peaceful time, not a performance time. It's about making sure that there's something there so that everybody can get rest at some point without it being you got rest because you ran until you couldn't run anymore. Let's make the burden light while still providing for a structure that helps those that need that kind of structure.

Kristy 20:44

I always felt like for me the summers were like every summer was different because sometimes I was working from home. Sometimes I was working outside home. Recently, I you know, I've got a couple of weeks off I never have had before. Like there's just any number of things that could happen. Maybe you've got a little one and your summers are new to you. You know, you've got a kindergartner. Some things that are probably no-brainers to parents that have done this a million times and whatever, but maybe new to others would be like make a sticker chart. Maybe say, you know, we're gonna do these 10 fun things out of 15 ideas, or maybe, you know what I mean? Like overplan so that when things don't happen, like we can still kind of meet our goal. Maybe plan for a couple fewer than activities than you have weeks. Let kiddos put a sticker on the whatever the plan chart looks like. That that's just a huge deal for them. And then when it's over, they can look at it and and see color and see all of these cool things happen. Maybe you make it into like kind of a like a grid format and they can write like the coolest thing that happened while they were there. Or as a family, you can talk about that kind of thing. The actual document itself is gonna have a lot of weight for your kiddos. Another thing. I was thinking of while Tony was chatting is make sure you have a backup. Maybe you've got a teenager coming and is is going to support your kiddos through the day. If they get sick, if they go out of town with their family, something unexpected comes up. Maybe you have a plan that the neighbor up the street is going to be able to fill in for those kinds of things. Any sort of variants like that. It's possible, you know, maybe you know other families that you're you're close with, and maybe you can make kind of a round robin type deal, you know, and maybe every parent takes a week off. You know, maybe you've got like a week of vacation that you can take and support, you know, three or four kiddos, or, you know, maybe it's just your own. Definitely look into like some things that are maybe outside the box or a little different from the way that you normally do. Playground meetups, those are fantastic. Splash ground, I've heard them called. Those things are fantastic in the summer. Even if your kids are big, they're still gonna love it. Silly things, protect from the heat, water, watermelon, any kind of thing like that is gonna be important to just kind of reduce those things that happen to us when we when it gets hot. Just like think about all these crazy things. You don't need me to list them for you, but think about all the all the things that can happen and just do what you can so that resilience is a little bit easier than it is if you're caught flat-footed. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. If something goes wonky, we adjust. We don't spiral, we don't freak out, everything is good.

Tony 23:28

As we make plans, we just have to know that plans will break. And it doesn't mean that the plan was a bad plan. It just means that life happened and the plan broke. It's information, it's not failure. What it should say to you is it should say, okay, that didn't work. We know that for next time. We'll either make this adjustment or next time we'll do something completely different. Take it as a learning experience and and just and you move forward as a family. It's okay. As mom and dad, make sure that you stay mom and dad. This is not about turning into just logistics managers. We still need to be mom and dad, and we still need to lead out as mom and dad. Number one, set the expectation early so that everybody's on the same page. We need to model those things for our kids.

Kristy 24:20

Absolutely. The the tone of a home starts with with the parents. Um, you know, we got to lead from the front on these kinds of things. Stuff's gonna happen, somebody's schedule is gonna change. You know, dad was supposed to pick up at camp at three o'clock, and if dad is stuck in a meeting, we're gonna have to flex on those things. But I think, like Tony said, if we sort of get those expectations in place and kind of put a plan together for ourselves, just makes everything easier. Our, you know, when we're stressed, when we're nervous or or frustrated or whatever it may be, our kids feel that. Kids are super energy sensitive. And if we're chill and we're confident and we're excited for them and, you know, we know they're gonna have a good day or a fun time, you know, we're expecting a great time on this trip. While we know like things could go wrong, like anticipate a great time, you know, a great day and just kind of pass that energy. I think sometimes positive thinking goes a long way toward a positive outcome.

Tony 25:18

I love what Kristy said about how kids feel what we're carrying, because that also turns into when we are humble, kids notice that too. If we as parents can stay humble and we can own our mistakes, because we're not perfect either, we as parents, we protect the connection that we have with our kids. Living that out, leading that out of being humble, owning our mistakes, and showing that to our kids, I think goes a long way in how the summer goes overall.

Kristy 25:52

I completely agree. Silently, in your heart, raise your invisible hand if you have ever raised your voice at a kid because you were hot and cross and they were whining about something and it was just a crazy minute. All of my hands are shooting up in my heart. Like I this is it's something that just we're parents, right? And I think these kinds of things maybe tend to happen a little more often in the summer, you know, lack of structure, like we've been saying all along. And I think it's just important to say, like, hey, I'm so sorry. I lost my temper. I was hot and cross, and it's not an excuse to be ugly, and I'm really sorry. Like, can you please forgive me? Then you go back to whatever fun activity or stressful situation, but with a calmer countenance. And I think that's just gonna make all the difference in the world for both you and for your little one. Because again, like it's we're not looking for a perfect summer. We're looking for a home that is functional, it's as happy as it can be, relatively good. It's summer, it is, you know, downtime for a lot of people. There, like I said, there's a lot of fun things that can happen. You know, we're just gonna do the best we can. When we have structure in place, I think what that allows for is connection. Our kids know what to expect. They feel safe, they ask their questions, they, you know, they speak up for themselves. It's not so much about control for us, it's about control for them, really. Um, and just that comfort level uh for them. So, you know, if when things feel like they're starting to slip, when things are getting a little wonky and starting to go sideways, just slow it down, rebuild, set new expectations. If you need to apologize for something, like Tony mentioned, I think that's really important, you know, do so. But just go forward in a different direction. Like kids can make fun out of anything. And if we can take the lead on that, ask a silly question, tell a dumb joke. I think that can really help us make some of those transitions from stressful moments to feeling a little more emotionally in control how we're interacting with each other and with our kids.

Tony 27:59

Yeah, dads, this is the perfect time to pull out those dad jokes and uh to let them fly all summer long and just let your kids roll roll their eyes if that's what they're gonna do, let them laugh if they laugh. This is about creating a home that can breathe. And I think that's so important. Please don't hear this episode and think, oh my god, we've gotta come up with all of these systems tomorrow. No, that's not what we're saying. Not at all. We're saying we need we just want you to think about it, be aware, and then if you can, today, tomorrow, whatever it is, just take one step. Make one phone call, maybe do one Google search. You know, just something just to get the the ball rolling, get the get it going so that this way when summer does come, because it's it is right around the corner, you're not starting from square one on day one of summer break.

Kristy 29:04

That's exactly we just don't want you to get caught flat footed. We're not experts, we're parents. You know, we have three big kids that used to be little kids. We're a family of teachers. It's regular everyday for me, for our oldest, who all of her students have dyslexia. We do know our way around what it is to be a parent of a child with a disability. It just puts a little some little bumps in things sometimes that where summer is never easy for anyone. It could just make it a little tougher for us. And so we just really wanted to to provide some support, some encouragement, some practical ideas.

Tony 29:41

Just know that we say Unshaken family for a reason. Because we are a family. We are praying for you guys. We do want to, you know, provide ideas, if nothing else. We want to do that for you guys as often as we can so that it's not just about listening, but it's about understanding how to do something a l a little bit better or or maybe just differently, so that you can at least try something and see if it works for your family. Hopefully, you know, this is something that has been helpful for you. Kristy, any uh final thoughts before I pray us out?

Kristy 30:20

Just have a great summer and know that we're wishing you every good thing. And and I do hope that your your summer brings you some rest and some fun and some just a adventures that you know that that are tough to happen when when we're in school. Prayer is important. Pray as you plan. You know what I mean? Pray over that, pray over the summer for safety, for fun, for all of those kinds of things. And if you find yourself in a tough moment, you know, you encounter one of those speed bumps we were talking about, pray about that too. Because you don't have to do this on your own. Like I said, Tony and I have were trying to give you kind of a leg up on some just some practical things to think about and and maybe try. But in the heat of the moment when everything is rough, we're not the ones who can be there with you. God is. And if you just let him know you need him, you know, you're gonna feel so much benefit from that. That's the best tool that that you have to to plan a good summer is prayer.

Tony 31:18

Couldn't say it any better myself. With that, let's pray, guys. Let's just go to our Heavenly Father and just pray for a great summer. Father, we come before you and Father, I just ask for protection for every family that is listening to this episode right now. Father, as as we move into the summer season where schedules can change and where there are different transitions, Father, uh, help us to navigate those well. Help us as parents to stay calm. Help us to know the right programs to be involved with, help us to know the people to reach out to. And Father, give us grace and wisdom when things go sideways for whatever reason. Father, we thank you that you have provided us with discernment to know what to do for our families and to lead our families well. We thank you so much for your son who was the ultimate role model in how to lead well by example as we move through our day-to-day lives. So thank you, Father, so much for your son and for everything that you do for us each and every day. It's in your son's name we pray. Amen.

Kristy 32:42

Amen.

Tony 32:43

Thank you guys so much. Hope you guys have a great day and a great rest of your week, and we'll see you next time.

Kristy 32:48

And a great summer. Love you, friends. Thank you.