Kristy 0:06

Welcome to Unshaken, the podcast where unwavering faith meets real life. I'm Kristy, and together with my husband Tony, we dive into authentic conversations, offering biblical insights and sharing stories that inspire resilience, especially for families navigating the unique challenges of disabilities. Join us each week as we explore faith, family, and the journeys that keep us grounded in Christ. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's stand firm together. Hi, Unshaken family. This is Kristy. I'm here with Tony. We've been telling stories this evening, talking about friends, situations where we've been around friends and how they've influenced us, just kind of seasons of our lives where we felt like better versions of ourselves for the people that we were hanging around with. So, of course, we're bringing this to you. You know, when we're kids, our parents, our adults, the responsible people in our lives, they warn us about that, right? So-and-so seems like a bad influencer. Don't hang out with that crowd or that kid or be careful who your friends are. I know my parents used to ask me a million questions when I was going out. They would ask, Who are you going with? And who's going to be there? And who might you meet up with? And whose mom was going to be home, and all these questions. And I felt like they were just giving me the business. But in reality, they just wanted to know that I was going to be around people that were positive, that were going to be good for me, and not put me in situations where I might have to compromise my safety, certainly, or my morals, or even just my comfort. I didn't realize it was such a big deal until you know later. Remember, there was a boy they told me not to date, and I was so upset about it. But in hindsight, man, they were exactly right. It's just really important that we choose good company in every stage of life.

Tony 2:08

When it comes to adulthood, it gets a lot more complicated. Most of the people that are influencing us aren't obviously bad. Hopefully, as adults, we have that better judgment that we we can spot bad people a lot more quickly to where they don't even have the opportunity to influence us. The people that do influence us, their coworkers, their family members, their church friends, social media voices, influencers, creators, people you know we genuinely like and love. It just is a lot more involved when we get to adulthood.

Kristy 2:52

I think a lot of times as adults, we find ourselves in situations where we have to be around certain people. Maybe they are coworkers. It's not optional for us or for them. And so it becomes a matter not so much of spending time around them, but of intentionally choosing how far am I willing to let this friendship go or this influence go? Whereas kids, you know, sometimes it is easier to just kind of avoid a certain group. I think that's just one of the things that complicates adulthood. In that thing, how do we pay attention? How do we stay aware of what's shaping us without becoming judgmental or isolating ourselves or steering clear of people who are different from us? How do we do that?

Tony 3:42

You know, I think that growth, it's rarely accidental. We're being formed by the rooms that we enter, by the voices that we trust, and the habits that we repeat. Paying attention to influence is not about just being suspicious of everyone around us. It's about becoming honest about what is forming our hearts and what is shaping our thoughts and our beliefs, and we're all going to be shaped by something. Nobody grows in isolation. We're all influenced by our environments. The question is not whether you're being shaped, the question is whether we are paying attention to what is shaping us. We have to ask ourselves what environments are shaping us right now? What voices do we hear most often? What habits are quietly forming us because of the repeated actions over and over and over again? Like some examples, our friend groups, the church that we go to, our workplace, the books that we read, the podcasts that we listen to, the social media that we consume, you know, our family culture. All of those things play a role. All of those things are influencing the person that we are becoming.

Kristy 5:12

I think it's interesting. So as you were giving those examples, I was thinking about the sorts of things that happen in those environments. Let's talk about family culture, for example, for a minute. There are seasons of upbringing in my, you know, in my own life, and I know you and I have talked about this before. We're a loving family that, you know, obviously our families want the best for us and they they raise us with the values and the traditions that they want us to have. But sometimes that stuff goes to like teasing becomes a thing in a family. And it's not a bad person, it's not a malicious thing, but it's one of those little things that creeps in. It really can influence um the like the family dynamic, but also the people when we're playing, when we're just kind of picking at somebody, are we, or are we hurting them? Are we making them doubt themselves? Are we making making them feel uncomfortable in our friend groups? Generally good people, you know. Does somebody telling a joke, like does it become an off-color thing? And then does that happen repeatedly? Some of it is who's influencing the people who are influencing us. We hang out with the same people and and our lives have been the same, but maybe somebody new moved in next to them, and that person is shaping the way they're thinking, which changes the way that they interact with us. It's all these things that we just really have to be mindful of, not that we should stop being friends or anything like that, but we just really do need to be aware of who is speaking into our, I started to say our lives because really that's what it is, but it's our moments. Who's speaking into our moments that become our our days and the thoughts that we carry with us that become the things that we really start to believe? It's possible to live a comfortable life and hang around the people that you've always hung around with. And after weeks or months or even years, you take a minute and take stock of your life, and you're like, How did I get here? How did I get to this place? And hopefully, that's a how did I get to this amazing place with all these good people around me? But I think what we're getting at is that often it's not like that. I worked in higher education for a long time, and it was incredible. I had amazing peers, I had great people around me, but one of the things that happens there is um I a lot of ideas come out. We toss those around, and it can be a little insidious. It's one thing to listen, to try it on, to think about it, and then make a conscious choice not to embrace something that doesn't fit you.

Tony 8:07

There's so much that we have to be intentional about to protect the environments that we're in and protect the things that are influencing us to make sure that those things are the right things. We need to be rooted in truth rather than simply just absorbing anything that just happens by, especially in the kind of social media world that we live in right now. Culture is going to throw stuff at you 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can like uh a meme or reel all of a sudden now you've gone down this rabbit hole of reels that might be similar to each other, but when you look at reel number one versus reel 20, it's vastly different. Uh but it's because you took 20 steps to get from reel number one to reel number 20, uh and now you're in a place that you actually never meant to be in, but we just let the wave sort of take us in in that moment. We need to be conscious of that so that we can kind of pull ourselves out of that before any damage or anything bad happens.

Kristy 9:32

I used to teach a strategies class to college freshmen, and one of the things that I would do with them is we would go into the like into a long hallway in the building and we would start at one end with the goal of going to the other end. And anytime we would get to a place where the hallway intersected, I would tap on somebody and they would go and I would say count your steps, and they would count, maybe it was like one, just like whatever they wanted, one or two or 40, you know, whatever it ended up being. And I would have them come back and I would say, now let's look at this, let's see what just happened here. If you take one step off your path, it takes you one step to come back. So you've missed two steps, but the rest of the group is is now two steps ahead of you. But if you take 10 steps, what you've really wasted is 20 steps. It took you 10 steps to get there. It's gonna take you 10 steps to come back. And the people that you're trying to stay with are now 20 steps ahead of you. And if you take 50 steps the wrong way, you're talking about a hundred steps and you can't even see those people anymore. It was kind of neat to see them get it that we really do have to be paying attention.

Tony 10:47

You are not weak, and I am not weak because our environment affects us. We are designed that way. We are relational people, we are made to be influenced and to influence others, and it's part of who we are. The key is making sure that in wisdom we pay attention to what is repeatedly in our environments that is forming us.

Kristy 11:17

Hate to bring this back again to uh to education, but the students that I teach, even the students that I that I'm currently teaching, I teach um as an adjunct for an online school right now. Part of what we talk about in those early classes is their motivation for staying. A student is never more motivated to stay in college than they are their very first couple of classes. Like that's when the fire is still burning bright and they're not tired and a bunch of stuff hasn't come up. But one of the things that we run into is that they have people who have been their peers all their lives, and then they make a choice to make a change. They're gonna go to college, they're gonna choose what they feel is is better for them, for their future, for their family. And the people that they're leaving behind don't receive that well. They might be demeaning, they might make fun of them. Oh, you're gonna be too good for us. What are you too good for us? I think that that can be really one of those impactful things. I think some environments feel safe because they're actually healthy environments, and we've chosen or we've found ourselves in a place where the people around us are supportive of our growth. They're supportive of the things that we want to pursue or the things that we feel are noble or or even just appropriate. And other places feel safe because they're familiar, but not necessarily because they're healthy. And I think that's the situation that a lot of my students have found themselves in, is where it's familiar, it's the same old people, but it's no longer safe.

Tony 12:54

There's a lot to this when God is calling you to do something. You start to do it, but it's not working out. A lot of times it's because you're holding on to maybe a group of friends, or you're holding on to an environment that God is calling you out of. And maybe that friend group or that environment that you were in was not meant to grow with you. Maybe you've learned something there, and you've done all you can in that place, and now God's calling you to the next step, the next thing to climb, but you're still holding on because it's so comfortable, it's so familiar. And God says, No, you've got to move. Sometimes that transition can feel really bad, but it's because God is trying to tell you, let go of this so that you can grow. And sometimes that can be a really hard thing to accept.

Kristy 13:59

It's a good point. Sometimes we stay too long. It may be that God has an opportunity for us, and we're like the what was that game called where you have to jump on a log? Is that Frogger?

Tony 14:13

Yeah, I think that was Frogger.

Kristy 14:15

And if you if you hesitate too long, you miss your log and you, you know, you go in the river and it bumps you back, and whatever. If we stand there on the sideline too long and we don't jump, sometimes God'll give you a little nudge, and you're right, it doesn't feel good. At the same time, sometimes it's not so much that there's something that we're moving toward, it's more that we've stayed in a situation for too long that just hasn't been productive for us or that has stopped being productive for us. We've stopped growing. I just don't think that's healthy. I think it's really important to be aware of what might be out there for you and to have the courage to look when opportunities aren't presenting them themselves, to have that courage to just be aware of things and prepare yourself. I'm looking at making a leap. I'm looking at getting out of this because I think it's time you know for me to grow, to learn something different. On the flip side of that, we find ourselves somewhere, and then we have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, with stretching, growing, with you know, reaching up and the and the pains that come sometimes with that, because we're just not there yet. We're trying and it's just not working out, and that can feel very defeating. Maybe it's just a fearful thing, like I don't know if I can do that. I've never done that before. The way that we feel and the way that we think don't always line up. I think it's those feelings that can keep us from leaving a place that we should be leaving.

Tony 15:52

As part of this, yes, we want to stretch, yes, we want to grow, but there also is a time and a place for patience. There's value in staying through those valleys so that you can see the fruit that comes from it on the other side. We just really have to have our eyes truly fixed on Christ and what he's showing us because growth is not always found in the next big flashy thing. Sometimes growth is just simply about being faithful to the small steps and the small things.

Kristy 16:33

There's always a lesson, right? God doesn't put us anywhere for no reason. Maybe the reason might be to rest. I'm not saying that, but God puts us in difficult situations because he expects us to rise to the challenge. I had a boss for a couple of years who did not like conflict. He absolutely refused to have hard conversations. Anytime there was something that came up where somebody had to have, you know, one of those discipline type talks, he managed to just not be on campus. And so it fell to me to have these difficult conversations, like up to and including termination of employment. In the beginning, I would come home and I'm like, Tony, like I had to fire somebody today that doesn't even work for me. Like it just happened over and over. And I mean, it was horrible at the time. It felt terrible. I'm like, I don't want to have those conversations either. And it wasn't my job, it was his job. But after a while, after this became sort of a theme, this is an area where there's something for me to learn, something for me to grow. Thank you to my husband who spotlighted that for me and encouraged me to stay with it. I did learn a lot. I learned how to have those conversations with compassion. But man, it's not a situation I would have ever chosen to stay in. Sometimes it's it's something that we're supposed to get from there. And I, the other point that I don't want to miss here is that having somebody like a Tony in your life to encourage you to stay and somebody that you trust give you a second opinion on your perspective. I trust you. Do you see this the same way I do?

Tony 18:14

It speaks to having a really firm grasp on humility and knowing that sometimes we left a situation too soon because we were in a hurry and we were trying to rush and trying to get ahead of God, and so there's discomfort because we ran into the street when we shouldn't have. God has to yank us back and get us out of the road.

Kristy 18:42

I have a question, I think, for all of us. Who gets a front row seat? People don't get equal influence to speak into our lives. How do we figure that out? Whose opinion affects us the most? How do we sort that out?

Tony 18:57

The first thing that we kind of have to frame this around is understanding that influence is not the same thing as love. We can love all of our people that are in our friend groups and all of our family members, all of our coworkers. We can love all these people, but that doesn't mean that we're going to give all these people the same power to influence us and steer our course. That is where we get to be much more selective. So we can love everybody, but everybody doesn't get to have the same amount of influence. Ask yourself these questions and really reflect on these. Whose opinion affects you the most and why? And who speaks truth into your life? Who challenges you when you're starting to go down the wrong path? Who's the one that says, hey, pump the brakes?

Kristy 19:58

You know, that's so interesting because I was thinking different. So, yes, challenges you when you're about to do something dumb, but also challenges you when when you're feeling very comfortable. No, you're better. You can do more. Let's take a bigger step. Or even hey, you're a little big for your britches there. You know, that's a a kind of challenge too.

Tony 20:20

We all need a barnabus in our lives. So who encourages you? Who are the the people that are going to be that support system so that you can take those bigger steps when it's time to level up, move on to the next thing. We all need those influencers as well. Different categories like mentors. I think about especially within my church, and I've been, you know, very fortunate to to have just a great circle of mentors, you know, that have mentored me at different points to help me get to where I am today. Friends, but even within the friend group, there's going to be different levels of influence. We can love our friends, but there are friends that we can have fun with and are fun to be around, and and you know that anytime that you're around them, you're gonna have a a good time, but they're not the best person to really take life advice from. Same thing with family members. We all have family members that we look at and we're like, man, they're wise beyond their years. And we all have those family members that we're like, we're related and I love you, but man oh man, I don't know that we want to take advice from every single family member that we've got. We can't forget the people that we have. Actually influenced and helped grow along the way.

Kristy 22:05

Sometimes it's a mixed bag, too. I'm thinking about in my work situation right now, so I lead a team. Pretty much everybody on my team is they're a lot younger than I am. We are not in the same stage of life. In terms of the work, right? In terms of motor coaching and helping, you know, helping kiddos to manage the brain-body disconnect that they that they struggle with, or in helping them with some of the nuances of spelling to communicate. Like there's technical stuff that my team can teach me all day long. It is absolutely for me to have an open mind and listen to everything that they want to tell me and act accordingly. Like they are teaching me so much, and I'm growing in skills because of them. But at the same time, like I said, we are not in the same stage of life and we don't value the same things. It's just kind of a funny tension. Sharing space, sharing time, and really wanting some things that people have to offer, but not others. Where do I allow them to influence me? Where do I seek to influence them? When I hear that they're all going out to some music festival, I'm here to tell you every single time there's two or three on my team that always go together and somebody always comes back hurt. Somebody comes back with a sprained ankle or a concussion or something. Yeah, I don't want these people speaking into my life. I want them to hear me when I want to speak into theirs. And yet they have the technical knowledge that I need. So, you know, like I said, there's just kind of a funny tension there. I wonder if you guys have that situation where there's a little give and take in the same within the same uh relationship or the same environment.

Tony 23:57

I think it's important to make sure that the people that are going to be our main influencers are the ones that are going to give us that biblical encouragement, that are going to hold us accountable to the right things and are going to give us godly counsel. These are going to be the people that are going to consistently point us toward Christ. These are not people that are going to pretend to be perfect and they're not going to do all these things perfectly every single time. But in terms of consistency over the long haul, they're going to do all four of these things with a high level of consistency.

Kristy 24:51

One of the times across our life together, where Tony and I were the happiest, we had a friend group. We met them through church. So small groups there, they called them life groups that you know met together on a regular basis. And there was some Bible study, but also it was around connecting. It was around encouraging each other and getting to know each other. And that's something else Tony and I were talking about today is how a lot of times trees, when they put down their roots, there's a fungus that sort of links them together and allows them to almost to like intertwine and they share distress signals, they can share resources, they can, you know, they can do a lot more together than than they could separately. And I feel like that's kind of the sweet spot that we were in is having that group of friends who where we could give each other distress signals like, hey, I see this, you know, I see this coming, or hey, I've heard you alluding to this a lot lately. But also knowing that we were going to come together and pray together. And if there's something very comforting about being around people who talk about Jesus in regular conversation, who pray before they eat, it's just kind of nice sometimes to live within the comfort of that. It doesn't mean that we don't want to have friends that aren't like us because we absolutely do. That's how we grow. And that's how we help other people to grow. You know, but it's one of those intentional things where we can choose to either be around people who are like us, try to encourage each other to kind of stay in that lane. Or if we can be around people who are different from us, and then just be very mindful of who speaks into your life at what level. Um, and just to try to take care to not receive influence that isn't gonna take you the direction that you're trying to go.

Tony 26:57

Influence is powerful. We have to choose carefully who gets a front row seat in terms of who's going to be the biggest influencers of our lives. A front row seat should belong to people who help you become more faithful, not just people who confirm what you already feel or what you already do. I think this leads into a distinction that we have to make being influenced versus being available. Jesus does not call us to hide from the world. We're to be rooted in him. You know, he says in John, he says, abide in me. Why he wants us to be rooted in him is so that we can love people without losing our way. People can hear conversations like this and think I should only spend time with people who think like me. Absolutely not. We're not gonna grow that way. If all we do is stay in an echo chamber, we're not gonna get anywhere. The Great Commission says to go. The English translation kind of does us a disservice in our Bibles here because it can give the false impression that we are to kind of prepare and then go, but the Greek is actually make disciples while you are going. So it is like as you are living your life, as you are going through your daily routine and your you know, all the things that you do on a daily day-to-day basis, make disciples and go to the ends of the earth. It is about going and doing at the same time, not preparing and then going once you've got it all figured out, because we're not gonna have it all figured out, loving people well, building relationships, serving others, and of course, with the ultimate goal of pointing people back to Jesus and his church.

Kristy 29:19

A key component of all of this is curiosity, staying curious. How do we know if if it's something or someone, uh, an environment or a person that we should reject or or lean into without doing a little bit of research? I think that will allow us to make smarter choices about where we lean in and also help us to grow. It helps us to move beyond our little circle that we we tend to operate in. I think we need to be open to listening to and learning from people who are different from us. And in order to get that effect, I think a lot of times we have to be willing to go into unfamiliar places and we have to walk into situations knowing that it's gonna be uncomfortable for a while, avoiding those echo chambers that Tony was talking about. That's how we do this, that's how we move toward the life that God has for us, finding comfort and staying rooted enough to engage, enough to love others well without losing ourselves. The goal is never isolation. We're, you know, as he mentioned earlier, as Tony mentioned earlier, it's the goal is relationship. We were made relational by a God who does not make mistakes about anything. He expects us to follow his commands and and to abide in him and to abide in the foundation that that we have that we know that we don't want to stray from. We know that it's it's just not healthy for us to stray from. Just got to find that balance between growth and pursuing what's new and what's next, and honoring and holding dear that which we are not willing to sacrifice. And that's around making really smart choices about environments that we're in and how long we stay when it's time to get out. And again, that balance between spending time with people who are different from us so that we can learn from them and potentially so that we can influence them for Jesus at the same time, um, you know, having enough people around us who will point us back to those familiar ways that we know are right if we try to stray too far or you know, or in a wrong direction.

Tony 31:45

It's important to take an inventory, if you will, take a look around and and just simply notice what is influencing you in the moment. It's important to just not think of this as kind of a trivial thing. Noticing your environment and noticing what is influencing your life is not meant to be a small step. It's meant to be reflective and thoughtful and in-depth so that you can make the best decisions for yourself going forward. Being able to name what has been shaping you, what is shaping you, and what is trying to shape you is really an act of wisdom that I don't think that we exercise as much as we should.

Kristy 32:42

I think you're on to something there. I think it's not necessarily looking at the place where we are and evaluating that place or the people around us. I think you're right. I think it is more looking at where the influence is coming from, what environments you know that we're in make us feel hopeful when we come home from what group of people from what setting do we come home feeling like our bucket is full on the flip side? You know, what environments make you feel cynical, or the people there are cynical or negative? That's so hard. But to think about those questions and identify those things and then act accordingly, you know, who consistently points you toward Jesus? Who pulls you away from the person that you want to be, from the the direction that you believe that God is calling you to go? Like who diverts you from that path? Where do you feel like you're growing? In what areas do you feel like you're stuck? And who can you seek out, or what environment can you put yourself in to address those things, to help you grow where you want to grow and and get out of that rut that you might be stuck in? You're right. That's it's not quick and easy work, and it's not one and done work either. I think it's something that we have to kind of keep with us all the time. We're we're not static, we're constantly changing, and so is the world around us.

Tony 34:08

Maybe there's a relationship that needs more intentionality because either you need to allow that relationship to influence you more, or flip side, it's also true. Maybe that you need to exert more influence in that relationship. Maybe there's a mentor you've been, you know, meaning to call. There's no time like the present. Maybe there's a a group that you've been thinking about joining, but you haven't taken the the step, or you haven't cleared your calendar to make yourself available to join that group. Maybe that starts this week. Block out that time so that you can join that group and and evaluate that group and see if that group is going to be something that that is going to help you grow and go forward. You know, maybe there's an opportunity that you've been avoiding. Maybe there's something that God is calling you to do, and you know God is calling you to do it, and you've been afraid to just take those faithful steps that you know He wants you to take. Maybe this week it's about taking the first step. You can't take step ten without taking step one. You know, maybe that's what you do this week is just take step one and just start in faithfulness there. Maybe on the flip side there's a voice that you've given too much uh influence to. They've spoken too loudly in your life. They've taken a front row seat when they should have been sitting in the back row. You have to take some uncomfortable steps to move them out of the front row and get them where they need to be. It's important to note that these questions and these sort of challenges, if you will, it's not about doing all this all at once, turning your life upside down. Step one, and if you've been with us for a while, this should not be a surprise. But step one is prayer. Ask God what needs to change first, what voice, what habit, what relationship or environment needs your attention the most. What needs to happen next. And we say all this because God cares about who we're becoming, and he cares about who is shaping us, and he also cares about who we are shaping. So we need to take care of where we spend our time and who we spend our time with, what environments we're putting ourselves in, and and the voices that we are allowing into our lives. God's not only concerned with where we're going, but he's also concerned with and he also cares about what is forming us as we are on whatever path to what he's calling us to. So it's not just about the destination, but it's also about the journey. He cares about every single part of this process. There's a lot of life that happens just by default, but growth is not one of those things, it's not accidental. We need to pay attention to what is shaping us, we need to pay attention to those that are speaking into our lives, and we need to ask God to give us wisdom as we are going through our lives to recognize the environments that are helping us grow, to recognize the the people that He wants us to give influence to, and the people that He wants us to influence, the places where He is inviting us to go, and inviting us to take our next faithful step. At the end of the day, God cares about our formation, which is why He gives us wisdom and discernment, why He wants us to be rooted, faithful, and engaging. We hope that this has helped you and we are going to pray. Ask God to just continue to walk with us as we are being shaped and being formed and being influenced by those He puts in our lives. Father, we do come before you today. Thankful for you, certainly thankful for your son. Point us to the environment or the next conversation that we need to have. Give us the tools that we need so that we can make the right choices, walk with us, light it up with stadium lighting, so that we don't miss it, because we do want to do your great and perfect will. So we thank you, Father, for your son, and we ask all these things in Jesus' precious name. Amen.

Kristy 39:36

Amen.

Tony 39:37

Thank you guys so much. Hope you guys have a great day and a great rest of your week. And we'll see you next time.

Kristy 39:43

Bye, friends.