Kristy 0:01

Welcome to Unshaken, the podcast where unwavering faith leads real life. I'm Kristy, and together with my husband, Tony, we dive into authentic conversations, offering biblical insights and sharing stories that inspire resilience, especially for families navigating the unique challenges of disabilities. Join us each week as we explore faith, family, and the journeys that keep us grounded in Christ. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's stand firm together.

Tony 0:40

Hey, Unshaken Family. It's Tony, and I'm here with my beautiful bride, Kristy. And today, I just wanted to start with a simple question. Has your child ever been the one standing alone at recess? Maybe sitting alone at recess? The one who isn't invited to a birthday party or a get-together? The one who wants friends but can't quite seem to find them? Or maybe your child has a disability that makes friendships more complicated than most people realize. We've all experienced this in different sorts of ways, whether it's how we grew up, whether we've watched it in our own kids. And I think one thing that Kristy and I have learned through the years is that there isn't just one solution There isn't one size fits all to really answer this question because it's not just one singular problem. Different kinds of loneliness require different kinds of love and different kinds of attention and solutions to address that loneliness. We may not recognize it right off the bat that our child is being left out. If you feel like, well, yeah, now that you mention it, my child is having a hard time getting those friendships or making those friendships. You're not late to the game, okay? You haven't messed anything up just now noticing it if that's the case for you. One of my daughters kind of went through this. She always wanted friendship. She always wanted connection. But she was also very much afraid of rejection, and she avoided conflict like the plague. Those two things were her Goliath, rejection and conflict. She did not want to deal with either one of those. The fear. One of the things that I tried to really let her know is that there are a lot of people that would love to be your friend. They just don't realize that's what you're looking for. If you don't speak up, how are they going to know? Nobody can read your mind. If you just sit in a corner and you don't say anything, how's anybody going to know? But one of the things that I never said to her was, just get over it. What I always tried to do with her, is I always tried to give her courage and comfort at the same time. I never dismissed what she felt, what she thought. I never dismissed how difficult it was to her and how difficult it felt to her. I always tried to acknowledge that. Every time that we were in potentially social situations, I was always praying in my heart, God, give her what she needs. Give her the words, give her the courage, and give her the comfort to know that I'm here because I was always there for her if something didn't go right. But I wanted her to always have the courage to just try. And I think that if we can figure out a way for these kids that are sensitive to rejection, if we can figure out a way to give them courage and comfort at the same time, that's one of the best things that we can do.

Kristy 4:53

As you're talking about this, I'm thinking about our middle kiddo. So when COVID started, we kept the kids home from school. We made just kind of the decision as a family that we were going to go that route. At that time, I was taking immunosuppressants because of my RA. We just kind of didn't know. We didn't have all the information, you know, just like the rest of the world. And that was the choice that we made. For the first three quarters of that school year, year, our middle one was home, but was an eighth grader. And I remember thinking about eighth grade and kind of the, it's one of those like threshold stages, right? Like there's getting ready to become a high school student. Like I think that coming out of middle school and into high school is that transition from like being a little kid to to being a more independent being. And I think what happened is during those first three quarters when the kids were home, all of E's friend group went on and became their own little group. And while I was remembering that importance of the transition from eighth grade to high school, just how really important feeling like you belong is at that age. Fourth quarter of the school year came and We were ready to go back. We decided, okay, as a family, we're making this decision. We're going back to school. E went back and found that the friend groups had happened in her absence. And it took a long time for that to kind of sort itself out. We missed that critical season of the formation of that friend group. Some kids had moved away. The dynamics changed. I think the most heartbreaking thing for me was that it also characterized into high school that carried into ninth grade because not having that on-ground face-to-face friend group when all the kids transitioned to the high school it sort of continued it took a minute before E found her feet and that happened through theater which ended up being a one of those conduits for you know birds of a feather and and everything turned out great beyond that but up until then it was a real struggle and I underestimated both the likelihood of it happening And in hindsight, I think I underestimated the impact of it while it was happening. It was only like once we got to ninth grade and there was still a struggle that I realized how painful it had been. At this point, I'm just really grateful that we found friends. We found a friend group eventually, you know, just based on that common interest.

Tony 7:33

We need to remember that the child is not failing socially. A room where their gifts or their humor or their interests or personality make sense to the others. Sometimes it just takes time. When you throw disability into the mix, that changes the landscape as well. Some kids can't speak. Some kids will have unexpected noises. Some kids need help communicating. Some kids will miss social cues. Some of our kids stem. Some of our kids need constant support for a number of reasons. For many of these kids, if all we say to them is, hey, just join a club, that's not enough. There's a reality that a disability can change the entire friendship landscape for a person. And I know that especially if you are a parent of a kiddo with a disability, there's a lot of advice out there that just assumes access and communication and energy and all this other stuff. And for your kiddo, all the access in the world means nothing because of a bunch of other factors that most people aren't even taking into consideration. I want you to know that you are seen and that you are heard. We're not going to make any excuses here. there are some real barriers when you're dealing with disabilities that have to be addressed before friendship can even be considered. We have to acknowledge that sometimes they'll never experience friendship exactly the way maybe their siblings do or they see others of the same age do. That doesn't diminish their worth and it doesn't diminish their need or desire for friendship. It just challenges all of us to redefine what belonging and friendship really are because belonging may look like one faithful friend. Maybe belonging looks like a sibling who understands and is just there for their brother or sister. Belonging may look like a church member who makes room. God bless you if you are that church member. Maybe a coach who sees the child. There are so many coaches that I'm so thankful for that didn't have to include me on their various sports teams, but they did because they saw the value of having me around their teams, even when that created some extra logistics they had to deal with. None of this means that the child that is struggling to build friendships or to make friendships, the child in and of themselves is not a problem to solve. The child is perfectly fine the way they are. We just have to give them the proper supports and proper opportunities to make the friendships that are out there for them.

Kristy 11:06

I think there's one other group that we haven't talked about, and those are just, with all the respect and love in my heart, they're the weird kids. I can say that because I was a weird kid. It might be that they're super introverted, just shy, just quirky. They might be gifted. They might be thinking in a different plane than their peers. Those deep thinkers, those old souls sometimes struggle. Maybe their interests are just different. Our oldest, her first year teaching, She taught kindergarten, and she had a kid who knew every fact about vacuum cleaners, who could tell you every brand, every model, every pro, every con. This kid was better than Consumer Reports. But that doesn't go a long way toward making friends on the playground. Some kids are just uncommon. They're not broken. There's nothing wrong with them. They're wonderful. They're beautiful and thoughtful and completely whole, just odd. And this isn't just kids, right? This is adults too. I feel very comfortable talking about this because it's me. I think that can be a tough thing to coach for kids because the things that typically matter to kids don't necessarily matter to these. And they don't always understand why they might be judged because what they see as typically very normal, very usual and everyday for them is judged as different by the in crowd. Whatever the issue is that is causing your kiddo to maybe struggle socially, there's a lot of value in us as parents kind of thinking through it and helping to identify those nuances of the situation and altering our response accordingly.

Tony 12:55

To think about what our response is is going to depend on the problem that is facing the our child or facing the person looking for friendship. Sometimes the need is growth, where we need to gently and tenderly push them out of their shell a little bit, help them have the courage to strike up conversations, for example. Sometimes they need the opportunity. Maybe it's they just haven't found their group yet, their people. So we need to just continually get them in different rooms, so to speak, to find their people, their tribe that they're going to connect with. This also may shift from season to season, year to year. Maybe while they were at this school, everything was fine and they were making friendships just fine, but the family had to move. for whatever reason. And now at this school, they're struggling to make friends and there's different things that are going to play a factor in what our kids need in order to develop the friendships that they're wanting to have. If we are struggling to figure out what our kids need in any given moment or time, what a perfect time to go to God in prayer and say, can you open my eyes? Can you open my ears? Can you help me see what is going to be the best thing that I can do to help my child in this particular season? I believe that God is going to honor that sort of prayer because you're not praying about yourself. You're not praying about some selfish thing that you want. You're praying because you want to serve your kids well. I believe that when we are getting out of our own way and wanting to serve our families or serve someone else, I believe that God does honor those things. Love is going to nudge a child in a very gentle, very tender way. to grow. Sometimes love is going to open a door. Sometimes love is going to remove an obstacle. Sometimes love simply says, you're not broken. You don't have to become such and such to belong. We just have to find the place where you belong exactly as you are.

Kristy 15:58

So I think in terms of what we can actually do, what steps can we take? The obvious starting point is to help our kiddo build their identity. Who are they? Knowing that whoever that is, whoever they are, that they're loved, that they're deeply, deeply loved. Doesn't make them immune to loneliness or make them difficult situations easier, it does give them a stronger foundation knowing that they are beautiful and valuable and everything that God intended for them to be, that's probably the biggest gift that we can give a kiddo who's walking into a situation where friendship is going to be tough. Because it's easy to take that situation where it's tough to find friends, it's tough to make those connections. Those are difficult. What's easy is thinking that it's because of you, thinking that it's your fault, thinking that there's something wrong with you, shoring up that child's identity at home and just making sure that they know who they are and they know what their roots are I think that just gives them a little bit of a better position when things don't quite go right for them as they pursue connection and friendship

Tony 17:22

We have to look for natural communities we need to make sure that when they're out in the world we can find the communities that they need in order to develop those friendships. Those communities can be anything like whatever they're interested in. So is it Legos? Is it video games? Is it art? Is it sewing? Is it mahjong? Is it singing? Is it band? Is it sports? Putting them in those same communities is going to at least bridge the first gap of, do I have anything in common with these people? Sometimes Community can be found, you know, at church, whether it's a youth group, whether it's a kids group. And I want to be very careful here because I mentioned church and I mentioned youth groups and kids groups. Church can be a great place to belong, but we need to acknowledge that church as in any other group, it only works when the people that are there are willing to make room for beyond the easy version of just pulling up a chair because there's an extra kid there that day. And I don't want to imply that going to church or being a part of a church group is going to automatically lead to friends because that's not reality. And it doesn't matter whether it's church or not, but any group that a kid goes to has to be willing to make room For that kid, belonging has to be practiced and accommodated for by the group that the kid is walking into.

Kristy 19:10

There are certain situations where, particularly when it's a values-based group, like a church or maybe like scouting groups, you know, a youth group, that kind of thing, it does increase our odds of success, right? When people think and feel the same way instead of just do the same activities, I do think that's a richer soil for growing friendships like that. I think that sort of amplifies your odds. I also think, though, that there are things that we can do as parents to teach kids, to help them, to equip them to be friends and this goes for the kids who struggle to find friendship and also for the kids who who don't who maybe are in a position to reach out to somebody that they see struggling to find friends we can teach our kids to have conversations this is something that we can model in our own lives it's something that we can role play with them walking up to somebody and saying like hi my name's Kristy you know can i is it okay if i play you know will you play with me can we you know can I play too do you want to draw with me or whatever the the thing might be but just practicing that and and getting comfortable I think anytime we're going to try to do something that feels like a new skill or that feels uncomfortable in some way doing that in a situation where we're already nervous and whatever and it's new it's the first time we've tried it that's just kind of a recipe for disaster so if we can practice that at home literally role play it with your kid it's going to make all the difference when they find somebody on the playground and work up the courage to go introduce themselves I think we can teach them to manage conflict to repair damage after conflict I think we can talk to our kids about handling disappointment particularly in front of other kids managing our emotions in that situation for a lot of our kids this was a struggle for me reading social situations can be really tough as a kid. And knowing when there's a situation where there's room for inclusion, where the situation is open enough that somebody can kind of break in versus a one-to-one best friend dynamic that it's a closed situation. Helping kids to read those social cues, I think that can really help. All of these things are skills, right? And Some of us are born better than others at different ones, but I think it's something that we can all improve at. I don't know that we can all be experts, but I do think that we can work on stuff like that and helping our kids to develop the best skillset that we can is gonna put them in a better position to reach out to others. And like I started to say earlier, these things are also, they're equally important for kids who don't struggle to make friends. awareness and noticing situations where kids are struggling, seeing a social dynamic that just feels like the other person could use some support. We need to help our extroverted kids be comfortable coming to somebody's rescue, to be a friend before they are a friend. I think that's just as important.

Tony 22:45

Teaching friendship skills should never sound like blaming the child. It's part of our discipleship and it's part of helping them develop as a person. It's not shame. So like Kristy said, we want to teach them, you know, the different skills and that they're going to need as part of the friendship. So, you know, dealing with conflict. But also as parents, we need to celebrate every meaningful relationship that our kids have. It can be easy to kind of overlook when there's one friend that our kid talks about over and over and over again. But honestly, one good friendship can change a life. And it should never be about volume. It should always be about quality. As parents, I think we need to give ourselves permission to celebrate small friendships and a small number of friends. I think one steady friend can be precious to a child that is really struggling to make friends. When they have that one person that they know beyond the shadow of a doubt is steady, I think that's so deeply meaningful.

Kristy 24:11

And I think it probably goes without saying, just to bring a little attention to it, you know, the world might be difficult. The world might feel lonely, but home should never feel like that. I think as parents, we are uniquely situated to be the place where our kiddo knows, like, I'm good here. I don't have anything to prove here. I don't have to earn my seat here. When we know that our kiddo struggles or we fear that our It's just something to be mindful of. When that child comes off the bus, they may not come off the bus super excited and eager to blather about their day. You know, on the flip side, maybe they've been saving up their words all day and they couldn't wait to get home and say them to you. You know, you're their safest person. So I think it's important to just kind of pay attention there and read the room and just be what that kiddo needs in those transitional moments, especially because I think those are, they're particularly fraught with emotionality sometimes. And I think we can make a big difference in the way the rest of the afternoon goes and that kind of thing. I also wanted to talk about, I'm thinking about my students here, but situations where your kiddo may never have typical friendships. And the key word there is typical, because I know when I look back on being a kid, being a what my friendships looked like, I don't know that they were typical, especially when I was really little. I had a kind of a unique situation where I went to school outside my school district. I went to Christian school, and my parents drove me about probably 30, 35 minutes away from home to go to school there. The kids that lived in my neighborhood were not the kids I went to school with, and I didn't really know them. For me to have . like to get to see my friends, it wasn't a matter of going outside after school. It was a matter of setting something up with my parents and with their parents. And we did sleepovers or we did meeting at the mall, that kind of thing. And it was only when I went to high school that I started to go to school with the kids that lived in my neighborhood. All this to say, typical doesn't necessarily... I don't know if there is a typical. I know what we think of as typical, but I just don't know that that matches... a whole lot of people's experience. And I'm thinking about my students who are, they're non-speakers. What I see a lot with my kids is, I hate to say this because I don't mean to reduce them in any way, but when you see little kids, like really little kids, you see them play together separately. They're side by side, maybe at the same table, but they're not doing the same thing. They're not playing an interactive game or something cooperative. They're just playing being together in the same space doing their thing and I see this a lot with my my students my kids at school just by virtue I think of having the safety of knowing that that they're understood there you know I have two boys in particular who some like will snap photos and and you see these kids and the look like just the looks between them are it's so soulful and yet they don't speak. They don't talk to each other. They never have. One is entirely non-speaking. And yet these kids, I think, are as close as human beings can be in some ways. And it's because of the safety that they have in being around each other and the sameness and just the trust and the knowing that if my body does something unexpected today or becomes injurious or dysregulated or makes loud noises, they know that they're understood. They're never going to be judged. The other person gets it. The other person has nothing but empathy. And I think there's a lot of value in that. I mean, is that friendship? I mean, I would argue, yes, I would argue that it is. I think, I mean, you guys know that came up through a sociology program. And, you know, if I can talk all day about the different functions of friendship. And I think a lot of those dynamics really, they really fall away when you look at the different ways that people can have closeness and community and shared experience they don't necessarily have to chat it all out or have those traditional sleepovers or camping trips or you know whatever it is to um to really care deeply about each other you know at the same time a lot of my students are like Tony was saying there there's a lot of interest-based stuff it may be that they are um They're Lego kids, like Tony said, or they play a certain video game, or it might be around collectibles, tradable cards, baseball cards, that kind of thing. And just the interactions that come with that and the pride, I think, that comes with having what they would consider a successful interaction is just so powerful. I think it's really, really game-changing when kids feel like they're having successful encounters with other kids, even if it's not... Friendship and continuity, even when it's not, you know, one best friend throughout their childhood or whatever like that, just to have to understand and to be understood, to have successful meetings like that, I think is just a really big deal.

Tony 30:03

We have to acknowledge that this idea of what we think of when we think of a typical friendship, but I know at least for me, like growing up, many of the friendships that I had were not very typical. And honestly, the image and the definition of friendship kind of evolved for me over time as I grew up and as there were different things that I was able to do independently and there were different environments that I was in independently. I would say that my friendships when I was in first through second say sixth grade, were very different in how they looked versus friendships that I had in, say, junior high and high school, just because of different levels of independence that I had at different points in my life. I think that we need to make sure that as parents, we don't focus on what we think of as the ideal friendship and allow for whatever friendship looks like in this space and time to actually be friendship that matters to our kids.

Kristy 31:30

Another thing that I would add is that sometimes it's not about friendship in the way that we think of friendship so much as it is about a sense of belonging, a sense of being part of something that's bigger than yourself. It's community, camaraderie, knowing that someone is rooting for you, even if those traditional friendship things are not part of the equation. It's all those other ways of sensing that you're not alone, that you're seen and you're valued for who you are. just that other people care about you, I think is really what it comes down to. It's about love. Love is bigger than any kind of measure of success or failure in terms of interaction. If love is there, we can probably figure the rest out. As parents of kiddos who may struggle, I think we need to look where the love is and focus there and help our kids to focus there as well, irrespective of what the interaction might look like.

Tony 32:40

It's important that we recognize that Jesus constantly noticed people. In Mark chapter 10 verses 13 through 16, people were bringing their children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. But the disciples tried to keep the kids away and Jesus said, let the little ones come to me. and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to them. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it. And he took the children into his arms and placed his hands on them and blessed them. Jesus loved, first and foremost, Psalms 139, verses 13 through 16, for you created my innermost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb, and I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. I know that full well. My name was not hidden from you. When I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book. before one of them came to be. Those reminders are just so important that there are times when the people that we're around won't see our value, but God always does. It's important to develop friendships. It's important to have that sense of belonging, but it's also important to acknowledge that he gave us dignity before he gave us any instruction. And as Christians, we aren't simply helping our own children to belong. We're becoming the kind of people who make room for someone else's child as well. This is not just about parents who have a child who feels left out. It's also for every single one of us to really look at are we creating a sense of belonging for everyone, child and adult, that we cross paths with as we move through life. It's easy to say as a parent, how do I make my child fit in? But instead, I think a better question is, how can I help my child know that they are deeply loved, while continuing to open doors for meaningful connections. Whether your child eventually has that one close friend or they've got a room full of friends, no matter how friendship looks in their lives, their value never depended on how many party invitations they got as they moved through their childhood. Every single child, every single child, every single person, in fact, bears the image of God. Every single person is worthy of love, and every single person is worthy and deserves to be known just as they are. So, Father, we come before you today so thankful that You know us and we are honored and humbled that we bear your image. Father, we ask that you would help us to be good stewards of that. Help us to consistently point people to you. And thank you, Father, so much for the perfect example that we have in your son, Jesus. Thank you for everything that Jesus did for us through his life. And Father, we just ask that you would help us to create environments and create spaces where everyone that we encounter can feel like they belong. And we ask these things in your precious Son's name. Amen. Amen. Thank you guys so much. Hope you guys have a wonderful day and a wonderful rest of your week. And we'll see you next time. Thank you, friends. Bye.