Kristy 0:06

Welcome to Unshaken, the podcast where unwavering faith meets real life. I'm Kristy, and together with my husband Tony, we dive into authentic conversations, offering biblical insights and sharing stories that inspire resilience, especially for families navigating the unique challenges of disabilities. Join us each week as we explore faith family and the journeys that keep us grounded in Christ. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's stand firm together. Hi, Unshaken Family. It's Kristy. I'm here with Tony. We're going to talk about something today that is age-appropriate for Tony and me. It's just starting to come up in our lives. And I think it's going to be the case for anybody who's in these kind of middle years. And it's when your parents start needing you. I think as our parents age, our relationships, family relationships can start to change in ways that we were not expecting, that we may not feel ready for, and certainly that we wouldn't choose. And I think the challenge is to learn how to manage this, how to take care and help, to bring on new responsibilities and to act wisely and carefully and kindly while we still continue to honor our parents as adults who have the right to dignity and agency just as much as anybody else. And all of this happens inside some of the relationships that may mean the most to us and or might already be troubled relationships. And so I just think there's a lot to it. And I just would love to explore it with you guys. The first thing that comes to me when I think about all of this is that sometimes these relationships change before we even have the words to say what's happening, or before we even realize what's happening. My own parents are there, I mean, they're getting older, everybody's are. My parents are in their 80s. Things are changing, but you don't realize it at first. Something happens and you think it's a one-off. And then it happens again and you think it's a one-off. And then three or four times, and you're like, wait a minute, this is not a one-off. Like we've got a situation that's really changing here, but it may have been happening for weeks or months before you even kind of put it together. And then I can tell you, as someone who has siblings, we don't all see it the same way. Like I think the relationships that we have with our parents can really cloud our willingness to get on board with what's going on. That can make it really hard to figure out how to, you know, how to adjust, how to adapt and attack it. Because change happens gradually. Like I said, the way we see our parents can really impact what we're willing to believe about their situation.

Tony 3:07

If this kind of change caught you off guard, it's not a failure on your part. It's not failure on your part for you to admit that it's hard because it is. It is very hard to go through this process and to recognize these changes and to see what's going on. Even in this process, while we're still loving our parents deeply, we can still grieve that this change is going on and what is happening, and still give them the dignity that they need and deserve.

Kristy 3:46

As time passes and as we grow older, our relationships tend to change with our parents. I think there's seasons for everything, right? I can tell you right now, our oldest is 25 and planning a wedding, has a full-time job, and just really has launched and is ready to launch into that next thing that comes. And my relationship with her is so different now than it was even two or three years ago when she was still in school. I see it changing again now that she's like becoming, she's going to become a wife and possibly a mom and you know, all of that someday. And all of these seasons bring different things. And the season where I am now with my own parents, I think a lot of us are or or eventually will be, I think it also comes as a surprise. And it's really when you look backward that you can see where the change has occurred. And I don't want to focus so much about the changes that occur as how we process them and what we do with those feelings that we have. You know, I think over time we find ourselves maybe checking in more, touching base, maybe stopping by and cooking dinner while we're there, or, you know, that kind of thing where it's it's just care, right? It's it's just ordinary care and maybe it just happens a little more. But as we start to see issues come up, and maybe it's health related, or maybe it's just like endurance, like stamina type things, or maybe there's memory decline, or just executive function decline, like all of these things that happen as a normal part of the life course, or sometimes it's a really tough situation. You've got something like Alzheimer's or like a real, like a cardiac situation, or or just some major health event, it's hard, right? That's someone that we love and it's someone that we have always gone to. Oh, I'm getting emotional. Someone that we have always gone to as our touchstone. Then realizing that um that we are kind of becoming that touchstone for them, it's just it's the next normal thing, right? It's how it's how the road of life just turns. And um, it brings, you know, some complicated stuff. If your, if your relationship is good, you know, I think we focus on the love and just gratitude and also worry. And as things ramp up and and we go through stuff in different areas of our lives, maybe there's some frustration or time management stuff that comes up and sort of schedule conflict and that kind of thing. And then we feel guilty about those things. Um, and as Tony brought up, maybe even grief, just because of this season that's changing. I think it's really important that we feel what we feel and we acknowledge what we feel and we handle what we feel without making our parents feel like they're responsible for causing the feelings or for reassuring us, for fixing the feelings, because what's happening with them isn't something that they would necessarily choose either, other than that the alternative isn't what we are looking for either. Change can be hard for anybody. And I really want to call out how particularly difficult this might be in a situation where you have a tenuous relationship with your parents and still it's you that you know that has to rise to the occasion and and be there and provide support when maybe complicated or or contradictory feelings are are there. That's that's a really tough thing to carry. And it's okay to feel what you feel. We just gotta think through it and and figure out how to make peace with that and you know go forward in the way that best honors our parents, because that's at the end of the day what we're called to do.

Tony 7:51

Scripture does speak to this directly. Ephesians chapter six, verses one through three. It says, Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it may go well with you, and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. And I think it's important that honor is going to look different as we go through different seasons of life. Scripture tells us and calls us to honor our parents, but adulthood and being in this season where maybe your parents are depending on you more than you depending on them, the relationship changes. What honor looks like is gonna change as well. And I think it's important to also kind of note and point out that honor does not require you or I to pretend like there's nothing wrong or pretend like everything is fine when it isn't. It also doesn't give us as a child the automatic authority to just take over everything. I think it's important that we protect the dignity of our parents as much as we possibly can as we navigate through the season. You know, obviously, as we are facing these tough realities, truth matters and honesty matters, but so does tenderness. Both of those things, truth and tenderness, can live together in the same space. We can raise our concerns, we can ask questions, we can offer help and and still respect our parents' right to participate in the discussion about their own life and their own care. That's just part of honoring the dignity of their own agency as much as they can participate in their own agency. Sometimes loving someone means respecting a decision that we wouldn't necessarily make ourselves when that decision is about us. But again, if they're able to make their own sound decision, I think it's important that we respect that and we allow for that process because again, they still have dignity, they still have agency over their own life and over what they see happen as as they continue to move forward in life. When it comes to just honoring our parents, we just need to not ignore what's going on. We can honor them without ignoring reality and without just taking control over everything. If you're ignoring everything, which happens, or if you just try to take things over, that happens too. Those are extremes. Now, there may be times where that is appropriate because of whatever's gone on is now progressed to that point to keep our parents safe. We need to step in into a more active role. But that's not what I'm talking about here. At this stage, when we're first processing this and when we're first seeing these changes, I think it's more important that we balance the honor that we're supposed to show our parents versus trying to make every decision for them. When we do that, we're protecting their dignity as an adult.

Kristy 11:29

To what you said, Tony, I completely agree with you. Helping somebody, it should never make them feel smaller. It should make them feel supported, it should make them feel loved or seen, or they don't necessarily have to feel anything at all, but it should not make them feel smaller. Proverbs 23, 22. Listen to your father who gave you life and do not despise your mother when she is old. That's pretty clear and self-explanatory and really pertinent, right? Because it's it's hard. It's something that we maybe didn't see coming, and it requires action on our part, not just the emotional processing of, you know, the changes that are happening and, you know, where everything ultimately leads, but it really changes your patterns of life. It changes a lot of times the way that you get through your days, your weeks, your months. It adds some grocery trips or some stopbys or some time spent. And at the same time, all of those things also provide opportunities for time spent and stop bys and grocery trips and dinners, you know, made together, or just even in your family's home. And so it's just a lot, right? It's moving pieces. And I think we just need to keep in mind that needing help in one part of life, it doesn't erase our parents' experience or their wisdom, their competence, their expertise in, you know, in certain areas or their adulthood. There's still adults, they're still our parents, they're still our elders, and there's still people who have tremendous just life experience, wisdom, the wisdom that comes with that. And it can be really efficient and easy for us to just go in and handle stuff, to take over, to just take care of stuff, just clean it up, or just, you know, whatever the case may be, just. But sometimes just handling it because it's faster or because it's easier to go ahead and just knock it out without maybe asking for their input or their preference, or even if that's something that they want to have done. I don't think that's the best way that we can honor our parents. It doesn't mean that everything that we just don't help if we don't have a long drawn-out conversation. It's not like that at all. But we just do, we need to partner with them and support them, not jump in and take care of everything as long as they have the ability to participate. We need to respect that and help them participate.

Tony 14:12

As you were talking, one of the things that came to mind for me was this idea of memories. As we're trying to navigate these changes, let's not disregard or take for granted the memories that still can be made with the entire family. Those memories and those experiences, they have so much value when we are in a place where we're trying to help. I think it's important that we slow down. We take a minute to realize that just because they may now need help, it doesn't mean that they've lost their voice or that they don't deserve the dignity of who they are as a person. I think it's important that we do everything that we can to protect that voice that they still have and not just jump into just problem solve like Kristy was was saying earlier.

Kristy 15:13

I hear all the time social media or some of the autobiographical stuff that we read or, you know, whatever, as we hear people's memoirs, all the time we're hearing the phrase, I'm parenting my parent. And when I hear that, it makes me want to just throw something. It makes me cringe because maybe it feels harmless, but it's not nice. In a way, it's turning an adult into a child. And it's it's okay to recognize the circle of life and how our parents did care for us in those most basic ways, you know, when we were little and support us in doing the things that mattered to us as we grew. And yeah, I mean, we it is on us to then support them in continuing to do the things that they like and value and that are life-giving to them. And ultimately, a lot of times we also will support in those most very basic ways, but that doesn't mean that they're a child or that we can treat them like a child, or that we should even think about that process as caring for a child because it's not, it's very different.

Tony 16:21

Say that louder for people in the back, please.

Kristy 16:25

They are still our elders. That's still my mom. It's my mother, my mommy that gave me her all, like my whole life. It is a gift and an honor to take care of my mom, to support her. And heck yeah, I want her present in as much of it as she can be. And if that means that she wants something to happen a way that I don't think is maybe the best way or the most efficient way, you know what? If it's a situation where safety's not at the top of the pile, she wins. It's her life, it's her decision to make as long as she has the ability to make that decision. I guess it's probably different with moms versus with dads, you know, just the same as it is with men and women across any part of life. And, you know, in my experience, my dad tends to be really stoic. You can see on his face that his shoulder hurts. If you say, like, dad, are you okay? Looks do you want me to get you some ice? And he's like, Oh no, I'm fine. Like, I'm looking at you. I'm like, dude, you're not fine. You know. And it's so easy to want to say, and when your shoulder is like this, why would you still be playing golf? Like, what is wrong with you? And at the same time, it makes him really happy. And dude is 80 years old. And if he wants to go out there and play golf with his old friends, he should. If he wants to do it every day and it hurts his shoulder, that's his choice to make. And it's for me to honor it and to help him with ibuprofen or whatever, you know, on the backside. I don't get to weigh in on that. If he's a grown man and he can make his own decisions, the same thing with moms. I think in a lot of ways, as I look at my own experience with this, and I don't want to make this about me, but it's the best point of reference I have. In so many ways, I want to say to my mom, like, oh no, no, no, no, you don't have, don't make a big meal. That's don't do that. You don't have to do the work in those moments. What I'm thinking is go sit down somewhere. Like, you don't have to do that. But it makes her happy to make the things that we like when the kids are home and the kids when we go to Camp Nana for dinner or whatever, like she makes the things they like and she always has fruit for them and it's always cut up and the strawberries are always cleaned, and it's a lot of work. It's a whole lot of work for her now, you know, versus what it was 10 years ago or something. But it's at her discretion and it gives her joy to do that. And so who am I to interfere in that, even with the best of intentions?

Tony 18:59

One of the things that I love about Kristy's mom is that every time we go there, Kristy's mom brings me a banana. She knows that I love bananas. She wants to make sure that I always have a banana there to eat. Kristy's right. My mother-in-law will have all kinds of fruit for everyone to eat. And she always makes it a point to make sure that I have a banana, and and sometimes more than one, so that if I'm especially hungry, I've got a couple bananas that I can eat.

Kristy 19:36

I was there yesterday, and my mom, it was my dad, my mom, and me, and my mother says, I'm still buying four bananas, but we don't see Tony very often. She said, you know, one almost went bad last week. I said, I'll I'll get in here, mom. I'll get him here or I'll take his banana to go. But, you know, it's love, right? It's it's those tangible ways that they still can love. And while they can't do everything that they used to be able to do, and I think that is very painful for them sometimes. The things that they still can do, I don't want to interfere in that. I don't think we should. I think wherever if we possibly can, like Tony said, we need to be safeguarding their choice and their voice, overarchingly their participation and their privacy, right? I think that's a piece of it too. Tony and I, um, we recently did an episode where we were talking about the information that we share about other people, about, like, for example, that I might share about his disability in a social situation where someone would ask me a question. And I think it's the same. Like when somebody says, you know, how's your, how's your dad doing? How's your mom doing? We don't go into the laundry list of painful things or things that might be embarrassing. We don't focus on what they've lost. You know, we focus on the things that are still giving them life and bringing them joy because they deserve that privacy and that dignity. Needing more help doesn't make us less adult. It might make us more reliant, it might make us feel kind of a loss of control, it might make us feel all kinds of things, but it doesn't make us less adult. It just makes us human in a different phase of life. Practical decisions, like things that just really have to happen, have to be made, they carry emotional weight on both sides of that equation. Because while we are thinking about how we're gonna get this done and what it means that our parent can no longer do X, that we're seeing a decline and we know what's gonna happen at the end of this road, it's not something that we are ready for. We're just not there yet. In the meantime, lots of stuff happens, and maybe it's doctor appointments or transportation, maybe. Not driving anymore. And so somebody has to go by the house and pick them up and bring them to a doctor appointment and all that kind of stuff. Maybe it means we're just keeping an eye on finances and making sure that they haven't been taken advantage of, that they haven't fallen prey to any number of the scams and things that go around and simple stuff as they're paying their bills, that money gets transferred to the right account so that it's there when we need it. And, you know, these things that are just sort of nuanced and just ways that we can help, that we may need to help. It's not just logistics. All of that stuff has an emotional expense to them. And it probably has an emotional expense to us too, in that it pertains to our parent and that it pertains to our schedule, that it's something that we now have to fit in to a life that probably already felt very full before this season arose. And God's timing, and, you know, we always talk about God's sense of humor with regard to timing. All of this tends to happen as the season of raising our children intensifies. This is like college-age kids, and we're working on like high school stuff and college apps and launching to college and the travel that comes with that and the expenses that come with that. And I mean, it's just like a river of emotion for me as my kids have fully gone and left the nest. And at the same time, this overlaps the changes that are happening, you know, with our parents. And so it's a lot of things to balance at the same time. We need to be having conversations about that. We need to be talking to our parents and with our spouses and with our siblings and with their spouses, who's going to handle this and how's it going to get done? And also, our parents, to the extent that they're completely able, they need to be part of that. Maybe they would rather have one of the transportation services that are available for elders pick them up. Maybe they don't want their kiddo to be part of that. Maybe they still want that independence and privacy that comes with independent transportation. And at the same time, maybe they would rather their daughter come and pick them up because they're not comfortable with a stranger. And how do we know if we don't ask them? In all of the things that are that are happening, their identities are at stake. They see themselves as whole people, as adults with just tremendous life experience and expertise and knowledge and just emotional wisdom and all of those things. I think it probably must feel like chinks in their armor where, ooh, that stings. Ooh, that stings. And over time, those gaps in the armor just get wider and more things hurt. And it feels bad. It probably feels embarrassing. I can imagine feeling helpless, a loss of control. I mean, I can't even imagine what that feels like. Not to mention the independence that they're losing and the privacy and all of those things in fear, just absolute terror about losing control of their lives and looking up the road at, you know, what at what's going to happen next and what will the next thing be? Like that's a big package for somebody to carry. And I think all of our parents are going to feel that at some point. We are too.

Tony 25:23

I'm so glad that you talked about how some of our parents are going to want the privacy of having a service drive them to a doctor's appointment. And some parents are going to want the comfort of one of their kids or a family member driving them instead of a medical transportation. And I know that for me, as I grew up and as I went through different things that were hard, there were different stages and different circumstances where I wanted a family member in this circumstance, but I didn't want family in this other circumstance. I really want to emphasize the point that you made about having the conversation and that it should be a continual conversation so that everyone stays on the same page. Things can change over time. As abilities change, as different things happen, then the thought process may change. Maybe they started with medical transportation because they wanted the privacy, but as things happened, because of the fear that Kristy was talking about, maybe now they really want the comfort of having family with them. And that means more than the maybe the slight embarrassment of the family being with them at the certain appointments.

Kristy 26:56

I think it's important. I think it's a way that we can honor their dignity and their right to choose situation by situation. I think you made a great point that it's not one and done. Okay, fine, you're going to take a transport service to your doctor's appointments. I'll set that up. Because I think the next main point for me is just because it's efficient doesn't mean it's the most loving thing. Sometimes the most efficient thing goes right out the window because it does not honor dignity. So often it's easier to just be like, yep, I'll take care of it. I got it. I'll bring Chinese when I come by. Don't bother cooking. Maybe the more loving thing isn't to push her mom out of the kitchen. Maybe it's to cook beside her, thinking about like as the holidays come and we make cookies. It's a very big deal. It's a tradition. My kids look forward to it. It's really special for my parents. We make all kinds and then they put plates together and take them to their neighbors. It's just their tradition. And sometimes I think it would be so much easier for my mom if we just did it here, if we just made them at my house. She didn't have to worry about her kitchen being a mess, having the stuff in her pantry. There's so many little logistical pieces. I mean, obviously, we're not going to stick her with a big mess, but it fills her dishwasher. And then does she have to put all that stuff away? And what should she do with the leftover Crisco, which is disgusting, but we need it for this one kind of cookies. And so then you have the whole package. Like it's just there's so many things. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just handle it. And then I think she would be devastated. She wants to gather the recipes and figure out what groceries she needs and all the kinds of cereal and chocolate chips and we need pecans and we need walnuts and all of that. These days she's ordering her groceries, and I'm grateful for that because she has a harder time maybe walking around the grocery store. But for her to bring those groceries in has value to her. Where for me, I might think that it's easier for her if I just take care of it. She doesn't have to do that. It would be a hurtful mistake, I think, to take that away. It just rolls out to so many areas of life where as long as they have the ability to take part, maybe it's not a standalone activity anymore. Maybe it's not something that they do fully on their own. But maybe we provide support and we continue the tradition because that has a lot of value. And maybe it's not even that dire, right? Maybe it's just out in the world. And something we used to do with my mom when my kids were little, she would say, it's Saturday, let's go to lunch. And what she meant was, let's go to Costco because it's the sample day and it'll be fun. We can try all stuff and buy different things and you know, mix it up a little bit. And we would walk around Costco for 90 minutes or something. I don't know if she could do that right now. I, you know, we haven't tried, it hasn't come up. But if she wants to go, man, I'm gonna go with her. If that means we have to sit down in the patio furniture display and take a little break, we're gonna sit there because she gets to do, she gets to have input. She gets to do the things that she wants to do and just maintain that control of her circumstances and and input to her life as long as she can. And I think sometimes we get to medical situations and what we think should happen isn't necessarily what they think should happen. Maybe it's a med that we think they should or should not take, and they think the opposite. That's between them and their doctor. And certainly, you know, it's okay to raise our thoughts and concerns in a thoughtful, concerned way. But at the end of the day, if they're able to make that decision, they make that decision, not us. You know, I think sometimes there's legal situations. A dear friend of mine, her mother lived in a different state. Her dad had passed, and she had a gentleman friend, they had, I guess, known each other a long time. And at some point, as she got elderly, really, he moved in to her house, and red flags went up for my friend because she had never really liked this guy. And some of it was the, you know, that's not my dad, that many of us would feel. But some of it was, I don't trust this guy. He's a little younger, his kids are very involved. I just don't really know what's going on. As it worked out, over time, he was hiding the ways that she was declining in her mental state and benefiting from her decline. And by the time my friend found out and was able to get involved, she had lost a lot financially. And by that time, because she didn't know this was happening because it was hidden, she wasn't able to secure the paperwork that would have allowed her to make decisions for her mom. She tells everyone who will listen, you need to get a power of attorney, you know, before your parents lose the ability for that. And what you do about that is your own business entirely, but it is definitely something that you should be aware of and you should talk to your parents about that kind of thing. And if not that, ask what they want, you know what I mean? So that we can honor their wishes beyond their ability to decide rather than enforcing what we think to be the best case on them. And it's not all just legal, it might be medical, it could be financial, it could be any kind of professional guidance, but maybe we need to involve an expert. We don't need to make those decisions ourselves either, without knowing, without having the interest of our parents, their opinions, and also maybe professional guidance on things where we just want to do what's best. All of this to say that sometimes a practical problem is really more a conversation about trust and change and preserving dignity than it is just about the situation that needs to be addressed. And that's difficult. Those practical things that we should on paper just be able to put on the table and talk about it. It's emotionally charged stuff on their side because of the independence and the autonomy that they feel like they're losing. And on our side, because we see a parent declining and we realize that as there's a shift of workload, emotional workload and time commitment and those kinds of things, those things shift to us. I think on both sides, there's a lot to be managed. Identity is tied up in this family history and like the continuity of traditions, like there's just so much that's going on. Our parents are losing their independence to their own minds and bodies. Nothing happened to them except just life. That's what happens as time passes. And I just think that's gotta be tremendously scary and sad. And I think it's gotta be just really, really hard. I think we have to protect that process of grieving and not minimize that. Oh, you know, don't it's all right, mom, you know, you're still making the decision, whatever. Like, no, like she genuinely feels something. He genuinely feels something. And we need to honor that as well. If it means moving our own emotional stuff out of the way to make room for theirs, then we deal with ours later. They have to come first.

Tony 34:26

There's an important point in all of this, especially when it comes to communication and all of these conversations that we have to have that nobody really wants to have. But as Kristy has talked about, it's really important to have these conversations. Something that can happen is these conversations can turn really tense. And I think it's important to remember that if a conversation becomes tense, it doesn't mean that the relationship between the parties involved has broken. I think more often it's pointing to the realities that are being felt on both sides of the conversation. The weight of what is coming with that decision or with that process is hitting us in a reality that we don't want to deal with yet. We have to, and we know that in the back of our minds, but the weight of it is still really heavy because of that weight, and because of the reality that both parties are facing, that is what makes the tension go up.

Kristy 35:40

The gift that offsets that is keeping in mind that while you're around and you're having all these hard conversations, you're still around. And as you're cleaning out closets, maybe you listen to that old story one more time about when your dad was wearing that tie or with this prom dress that's been kept up in the attic for so long, or you know, whatever. Like maybe we just talk about those things and let our parents just live in those memories and experience those memories that are so based in love when their kids were little and when the grandbabies were born, and you know, how they used to take care of you when you, you know, if this happened and whatever. And I think all of that, it's such a gift and it offsets so much of the struggle and it can one-to-one, like head-to-head, it can help with the pain that your parents are feeling and that you are feeling. As long as you're gonna be having this togetherness that's going to increase and increase and increase, enjoy it. Enjoy your parents while they're with you, while you have them. There's practical stuff that has to happen and it's a whole lot of no fun, but it doesn't all have to be about that. It can all be in the same bucket together. You can enjoy it at the same time you grieve it.

Tony 36:59

This also leads to a balance that has to happen. Carrying what is yours without letting caregiving consume number one, your life, but also your relationship with your mom, dad, whoever's going through this process. The changing family needs, it's going to add logistical stuff. It's gonna, you know, awaken some old patterns, especially among siblings, especially if there are siblings that are not completely on board with what is going on, they just don't want to see the changes that are clearly happening. There's going to be tensions that re-spark within siblings if there is a disconnect between what everyone is seeing in the in the family. In these situations, there's that communication of who's going to handle what, who's going to make the phone calls, who's going to provide transportation, who's going to manage finances, if that has to happen, who's going to double-check on all kinds of things that that have to be answered. If it's a situation where it all falls to you because your siblings don't want to deal with it, I think it's especially important that we make sure that we carry what is ours and not let it consume our entire lives. We have to put some things in place for that. We have to make sure that we are fair to ourselves and fair to our families. Fair doesn't necessarily mean that everybody is going to get exactly the same amount of time or the same amount of effort. How much you're available to a person, no matter who the person is in the family, does not automatically make one person responsible for everything.

Kristy 39:00

You know, I've seen that so many times where one sibling lives near mom and dad, and the other siblings live out of state or out of the area. And what ends up happening is the one who lives near becomes the one who does all of the work throughout their aging parents, just those changes in life and decline and ultimately dealing with the aftermath with the house and the estate and all of that. Maybe that's by choice, and that's certainly one possible outcome. But where it's not necessarily by choice, check on your sisters and brothers. Make sure that they feel supported, that they get some respite, that they get some downtime, that if it means somebody flies in and stays a week or two while that person goes and recharges and, you know, has some downtime, make sure that that happens. If there are expenses and if the siblings can split those up or whatever, just make sure you're looking at all of those things so that it doesn't just fall to the kid who's the nearest.

Tony 40:27

And if you are in a situation where you need to seek out these outside services to help you in the situation, that's not failure. That's stewardship. Now everything's not on you. All of these different things are there and available specifically for this purpose.

Kristy 40:50

They are they're there with training that life just doesn't hand to you in the regular course of your business. These are people with specific training for specific circumstances around elder care. And honestly, so the respite is great, but you might learn a much easier way to do XYZ than what you've been doing, just by virtue of them having had, you know, medical training or or, you know, whatever the case may be in that specific instance and you're just doing the best you can. I think there's wisdom on a lot of fronts in pursuing that. Again, as long as your parents have the ability to input, if they say, I don't want a stranger in my house at the end of the day, we try to respect that. But I would also say that it's fair to advocate for yourself because if it's a hundred percent you or you and them making peace with having, you know, a nurse around once a week or something like that, keep talking, you know, keep talking about it, keep, you know, just keep explaining, keep sharing information, not to take away their say-so or whatever, but just to help them understand the bigger picture and that sometimes these things are a necessity.

Tony 42:07

It's really important for us as adult children to really take some time to understand what our own capacity is so that we don't overburden ourselves trying to do everything, or at least trying to do more than what we have the capacity to do. Part of this and part of not burning out when you're in these situations is protecting something that is special that we can still do normally. Having those moments of normalcy, I think, are so important to one fill their bucket, but also help to refill yours.

Kristy 42:54

Even if that thing is a story that they tell every time you go to their house because maybe they don't remember, just let it happen. Just let it be. Laugh at the jokes, give them the normalcy and give yourself the normalcy that comes with that. You know, it's gonna happen whether we fight it or embrace it. And I think in a lot of cases, I think it's just better to lean into it and just love your parent. Just love them in whatever way is most honoring to them in that moment. Even if it's repetitive, I think you'll be glad that you did in the future.

Tony 43:31

I love the way that Kristy put that of like loving your parents, because one of the things that we absolutely have to protect against is turning our parents into nothing but a to-do list. Turning our parents into just a list of responsibilities that have to be managed. That is one of the worst things that we can do to our parents, and one of the least honoring things that we can do. I'm gonna go back to scripture, I'm gonna go back to children. Or your father and mother.

Kristy 44:02

Not to mention, guys, this stuff gets hard. It gets really hard. Having watched my mom deal with the health decline and the care and the, you know, the day-to-day support and then the estate of first her dad and then her mom, it's hard. And sometimes the siblings don't get along and there's fighting and the sense of loss and grief that comes with all like it's hard. You have to find beauty in the small pieces wherever it is, literally wherever it is. If it's making sure that the sheets with the flowers on them that are your mom's favorite are the are the ones that get clean first. Do that little kindness and see the beauty in that and just those little things, because I think that's how God gives us those beautiful moments in this turbulent, difficult stuff to keep us going. Like that's a gift. Don't pass it by when it's there. Pick it up, embrace it, because that's how we get through.

Tony 45:04

One of the last thoughts that I want to leave you guys with is this this entire episode, we've talked about how our parents need us and our our parents need our help. And we've talked about the balance of honoring our mother and father as we are providing this help to them. But I want to say this clearly in all of this, you are still allowed to need help too. If you're in this situation where you are the primary caretaker for your parents, that doesn't disqualify you from getting the support and the help that you need to do this very hard thing. Carrying responsibility faithfully does not mean you are becoming someone that just needs nothing. When you are carrying such a heavy weight, you still have your own needs as an individual. You still have potentially your own family that you have to either care for or still be around and still show up for beyond just your parents. As you are navigating this and as you are caregiving for your parents, please don't erase the relationship that you have with your mom and dad. Like Christian said in the in the very beginning, they're still mom, they're still dad. That relationship is still important and it still has value.

Kristy 46:37

As we kind of bring it all home here, family roles are going to change and the people that we love are going to get older. But loving them well doesn't have to mean pretending that change isn't happening or overcompensating and taking away their adulthood, making them part of a just a to-do list. I think honoring our parents, that can look like listening, being honest with them in a gentle way, even when it's hard. It might look like offering help without taking over and not making it about what they can't do, just offering help, period. And then when we don't know what to do, wisdom has us ask for help, for support. You know, we share those responsibilities when we can, where we can. And when it becomes too big for us, we have to bring in help. The weight of that can be crushing in addition to your normal life and everything else that's going on. Um, I think Tony named it earlier, it's stewardship. I think we have to do the best we can with the resources that are available to us. And that means not ignoring some of those resources that are available to us in an attempt to be the hero, despite the hard decisions and the tough conversations and the appointments and all of those practical things that have to happen, just keep making sure that you're being together with your people, with your family, with your parents in a loving family time together sort of way. Everything doesn't have to be about those hard things. If a time comes when truly the vast majority of what there is to do is absolute caregiving, you can still sit in those quiet moments and hold a hand, keep it warm and keep it based in love as the primary, love and dignity over efficiency. And I think you're just always going to feel better about that later on as you're looking back. And that's still your parent. Your mom is still your mom. Your dad is still your dad. Your stepparent is still your stepparent, or grandparent is still your grandparent, whatever that relationship is where you are providing support to an aging family member. Probably the most loving thing we can do beyond protecting their dignity is just make sure that they know that we still see them as our person, as our mom, as our dad, whatever that looks like.

Tony 49:07

As roles change, let's keep looking for the person that's beneath the needs that we're meeting. Your parent is still someone to know and enjoy and love, not just someone to manage. If we can continually look for that person that is beneath the needs, I think we will experience a much richer time with them as we navigate a tough season. Let's go to our Heavenly Father. Let's just pray together. Father, we come before you today, thankful for the parents that you gave us. Even when times are difficult, we know that you were guiding them and that your hand was on them as they were raising us. And so, Father, I want to just pray uh a blessing over our parents, both Christie's parents and my parents, all the parents out there within our unshaken family. Father, being a parent is is such an incredible gift. We just thank you that you give us the gift of not only having parents, but also being parents ourselves. Father, let us remember that our parents are a gift and that parenting is a gift as well. Give us the grace that we need, give us the patience we need, and give us the discernment that we need, so that ultimately we can love our parents well. Thank you for the incredible example that we have in your son Jesus, who even while dying on a cross looked down and saw his mother and saw John the disciple and said, Mom, here is your son, and said to John, here is your mother. So even while dying on a cross, he was making sure that his mom had what she needed. What an incredible picture. May we love our parents just as much and help care and help honor them just as much. It's in your son's name we pray. Amen. Amen. Thank you guys so much. Hope you guys have a great day and a great rest of your week. And we'll see you next time.

Kristy 51:18

See you next time, friends. Be well.